Stand Your Ground
by pawsandviolins
Summary: A different Gail, a different Holly, a different story. I guess strictly speaking this should be considered AU. Starts after the events of season 4. Rated M just to be sure..
1. 1 - The Rip

She hit the passenger side of her car, her back being pushed up against the cool glass and metal, while Holly pressed the warmth of her own body into her front. She still wanted her closer though, her hands roaming over Holly's back, from her shoulder blades down to her ass, pulling her in further, while their tongues were engaged in their usual dance. They had acquired quite the repertoire during the past weeks they had been... doing _this. _It started out with a waltz – in step and energetic but solemn, yet still somewhat shy, hesitant, distant – before settling into a confident foxtrot, the run-of-the-mill of ballroom dancing – familiar, simple, easy, uncomplicated, a solid foundation for what would be about to come. Then, a little over a week ago, they practiced the art of tango, each brush of the tongue, each touch of their lips, filled with passion, intensity, almost unbearable tension, which after a few days finally gave way to release – when they could no longer not rip the clothes off each other's bodies, when they felt like they had to _feel _the other one, all of them. When they couldn't resist the urge to make each other come undone any longer, the desire to implode and crumble under the other's touch. Tonight – tonight it was rock 'n' roll. Fast, upbeat, happy, a little sloppy maybe – courtesy of the alcohol – but driven by the undeniable attraction between them.

Gail knew where this was going. Or at least she hoped she knew. She certainly knew where she wanted it to go. Ever since that night a week ago, it was all she could think about. She grabbed Holly by the belt and spun them around, so that Holly's back was now pressed up against the car, all the while never losing touch of her lips. Her hands traveled up her body slowly but forcefully, brushing up against Holly's stomach, her ribcage and her breasts, until one of them held on to the nape of her neck while the other got tangled up in Holly's long brown curls. Reluctantly, Gail pulled back and fixated Holly, both of them panting heavily. It took her a while to compose herself, until she was finally able to speak.

"So. I think we should take this to my place. Or yours, maybe?"

The guys would probably out. And even if they weren't, Gail didn't really care all that much. She may not be ready to tell the world about her and Holly yet, but it wouldn't be the worst thing if people found out either. Still, she was kind of hoping to see Holly's place for the first time tonight, to add another piece to the puzzle.

Holly stared into Gail's eyes for a long moment before pressing a slow and soft kiss on her lips. She enveloped Gail's face in her hands and rested her forehead against the blonde's, closing her eyes and taking deep breaths. Her hands traveled down towards Gail's chest, grabbing the collar of her coat. Slowly but forcefully, as if it cost her every inch of strength she had, she pushed Gail away from her, holding her at a distance, and finding her eyes again.

"Gail, I... I can't do this. I'm sorry. I just can't."

"What?" Gail chuckled. Holly couldn't be serious. She was sure this was some kind of joke. But holding Holly's gaze, the realization that she actually meant it slowly sunk in and wiped the smirk from Gail's face, replacing it with disbelief, fear and uncertainty.

Holly closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. "I'm sorry, Gail. So, so sorry."

"What the fuck are you talking about? What just happened?" Gail felt the sting of tears in her eyes and did her best to hold them back. She was not going to show any weakness.

"Nothing... Nothing happened. It's not you, Gail. Please, believe me. I really am sorry. More than you can know. But we can't do this. I... can't do this. Sorry." She released Gail from her grip and, after running her thumb softly down Gail's cheek, turned around and walked away, leaving Gail to give in to her tears.

...

She hated walking. Usually. Tonight though, she was just walking around aimlessly, extending her walk home more and more. She felt like as soon as she would reach her destination, close the door to her room, whatever happened tonight would somehow become more true – like as long as she kept walking, she would remain in a Schroedinger-cat-like state, in which Holly may or may not have just pulled the plug on their _thing. _Whatever that was. So she just kept walking, going through a range of emotions repeatedly, alternating between desperate sobs, self-pity, indignation and rage, and sheer bewilderment. She had no idea what had just happened. She had no idea why.

She recalled their evening together. Where did it go wrong? Was it something Gail said? Something she did? Of course it was. What else should it be? As always, she must have managed to fuck it up. Frankly, she was quite surprised it had taken so long. She had picked up Holly from work and taken her to the Penny for a burger and a few drinks. Even though she wasn't ready yet, she knew that in the not too distant future she'd want everyone to know that this gorgeous, brilliant, funny, incredible woman was all hers, that she was the one who got to take her home after a long day, that she was the one who got to kiss those lips, that she was the one whom she trusted more than she ever had anyone; so she thought she'd start incorporating Holly into her circle of _friends _– as much as she hated calling some of the people from 15 that, that's what they were – little by little.

The two of them sat in their booth, talking and laughing, just a few feet away from Gail's friends, one or the other of them coming over to their table for a quick chat, or buying them a round of tequila, or at least throwing a quick hello at both of them in passing. That was the plan. Holly getting to know her friends, without any big kind of announcement. And it seemed to work. Chris and Dov came over with a couple of shots, Dov going on and on about his trivia quiz nights, having found an appreciative audience in Holly, which earned her an invitation to the next one. Oliver came over to mock Gail about her chasing a suspect earlier today in his typical, playful Oliver fashion – asking whether all those cheese puffs are finally starting to slow her down – all too quickly finding an ally in Holly. And as much as she pouted and scoffed about the two of them ganging up on her, she secretly enjoyed every second of it. Before they left, Traci and Steve stopped by at their table. As almost always, Steve told Gail to call their mom, before striking up a conversation with Holly about a case they were both working on, while Traci told Gail the latest news of Leo and confirmed their plans for Gail to take Leo for a day the following weekend. Gail was sincerely happy with their evening so far when they left the Penny. She didn't think anyone really _knew _what was going on between them, although she suspected that Traci, Oliver, Chris and Steve surely may have had an idea. Anyway, it was a fun night, and Holly seemed to be enjoying herself as well.

She didn't really know why, but somehow tonight was special for her. It was their first proper date – apart from a few lunch and coffee breaks during work – ever since they had sex for the first time last week. And after they had crossed that line, Gail wanted to cross the next one – the _being official _one – starting tonight. She felt like she wanted them to be something more, like Holly wanted that as well. She felt like they actually _were _something more than they had been willing to admit, or able to realize, or maybe they just really were more than they were a week before.

She had hoped to get more of what happened a week ago. That night had left her completely undone, breathless, desperately craving more. And it had accelerated her fall for Holly beyond imagination. She remembered how she felt before. Her palms sweaty, her hands shaking, her heart beating out of her chest, with excitement and desire, but mostly with fear. She was scared shitless, a feeling that she never associated with sex before. She was always confident enough to trust in her own abilities. And she supposed she never cared enough to give a crap about what her counterpart thought of them. But Holly was different. That was a pattern that seemed to repeat itself, wasn't it? So that night, when they drove to her place, when she turned the key in the lock, when she led Holly to her bedroom and started undressing her, she was afraid.

She was afraid she wouldn't do it right, that she wouldn't be able to please Holly, that she would find her lying naked in front of her, and she wouldn't know what to do with all her _parts. _Mostly though, she was afraid that _she _wouldn't like it. She knew that she found Holly attractive. She knew how her body reacted to the feel of Holly's lips on hers, on her skin, how feeling Holly's body pressed against hers made her stomach do flip-flops, how her heart skipped a beat when she traced Holly's curves with her eyes or her hands. But what if she wouldn't like the actual sex? What if she just wasn't into that? What if naked breasts and vaginas and all the stuff that came with it just wouldn't do anything for her? Where would that leave them? She knew she was falling in love with Holly. Slowly – as rapidly as she let herself – but surely. She knew that she didn't want to go back to just friendship, that she couldn't possibly do that even if she wanted to. So if she wouldn't like the sex, she'd be fucked – no pun intended. Luckily though, as she teased Holly's nipples with her tongue, as Holly's hand passed the threshold of her panties, as Holly's body writhed under Gail's touch, as Gail's blood was drained from her head and she was overcome with pure pleasure, she knew that she had not a thing to worry about in that department.

She had hoped for more of that for tonight, and no matter which way she spun it, she couldn't find the thing that set Holly off. This was why she kept people at a distance. If she hadn't let her guard down, hadn't gotten too comfortable, she wouldn't be struggling with all these feelings right now, wouldn't be agonizing about what had happened and why. Maybe this was some kind of divine retribution, karma hitting her in the face with a shovel. Maybe it was all just too good to be true. The past weeks with Holly had been kind of perfect, after all. Well, as perfect as Gail would ever let something be.

...

The night after the shootings, Holly had taken her home – to Gail's place, since Holly's was being remodeled. They sat in Holly's car in silence, staring at Gail's building for a while, until Gail took Holly's hand and sent her an unspoken plea to not leave her alone tonight. Gail led them to her bedroom in silence, pulling out clothes for Holly and pointing her to the bathroom. Gail had already curled up under the sheets when Holly got back. Suddenly, she felt a warm body pressed up against her back, and a hand slowly sliding down her arm until Holly's fingers entwined with Gail's.

"What are you doing?" There was a hint of panic in Gail's voice and her body had tensed up. This was not cool.

"Holding you." Holly whispered, as if that would get Gail to relax. Maybe it even worked a little. Still, she didn't give in so easily.

"Yeah... I don't do... holding." She made sure the dismay was clearly heard in her voice, although what came out was mostly insecurity.

"But I do." She could tell Holly was smiling, probably amused with the futile resistance Gail had put up.

"But..." Ok. Now she definitely sounded more like a petulant child than anything else.

"Shhh. Try." Her voice was still a whisper, but stern nevertheless. And that was the end of discussion.

And she did try, and realized that it wasn't so hard after all. In fact, it was much easier than resisting, it was warmer, more comfortable than resisting. Somehow, unexpectedly, after a long, horrible day full of fear and strain and uncertainty, the rise and fall of Holly's chest against her back, the gentle puffs of Holly's breath grazing her neck, the fingers that were tangled into hers, gave her a feeling of peace, a promise that everything was going to be alright, that she was safe.


	2. 2 - Always Like This

The following week didn't give 15 any time to relax. Chloe and Sam were still critical, the precinct was understaffed, everyone was on their last legs, pulling double shifts, commuting between the precinct and the hospital, going home only to get some rest in order to gather up at least some strength for the next day. And Holly was Gail's rock through that. She was her safe haven, was there for her without question at any time, day or night, for whatever she needed. After about a week the situation had calmed down considerably. Chloe and Sam's condition had stabilized and it was now only a matter of time until they would be up on their feet again. Andy and Dov were back on duty, Oliver couldn't wait to get back, and the rest of them were back to a more or less normal schedule. As the tension subsided, so did the time Holly spent with Gail. They were still texting a lot, talking on the phone, meeting up every other day or so, if only for a coffee or a quick lunch, and Holly always made sure that Gail was doing alright, but it wasn't like before.

For a few days, then, Gail's insecurities had gotten the better of her. Why this seemingly sudden change in Holly's behavior? Had she already hit the point where she was fed up with Gail? Or did she realize that she wasn't that interested in her after all, but wanted to do the right thing and stand by her until the whole situation at 15 looked up a little? She was so wrapped up in those insecurities, that she didn't see the bigger picture. It took a conversation with Chris, about how happy he was that both Sam and Chloe were now officially out of the woods, happy not just for them and the ones closest to them, but for everyone at 15 – because everyone had literally put their lives on hold, held their breaths, for a week that seemed to never want to end. But now, now everyone could finally breathe freely again, take their lives in their own hands again instead of being stuck in this weird kind of limbo, smile and laugh and have fun and be happy without feeling bad about it, because everything was going to be alright.

She realized then that that's what Holly had been doing as well. She was in the same position as the rest of 15, just that she had never signed up for that. Those people weren't her colleagues, her friends, her family. She had put her life on hold to be there for Gail, whom she still barely knew. Gail, who felt like she didn't give Holly very much – if anything – in return, who couldn't even express her gratefulness the way she thought she should have, who had pushed Holly away just hours before it finally all went to hell. She knew Holly had taken time off work, or at least arranged her work around Gail's schedule. Based on a few of the phone conversations she had witnessed, she also cancelled other appointments and plans with friends and family. She gave Gail her space – sitting by her side quietly – when she sensed that she needed it, she held her when she couldn't hold it together on her own, she did her best to take her mind off of things when she felt like Gail just needed a break from it all. She stayed over at Gail's place most nights, keeping the nightmares that started to resurface at bay, sneaking out in the mornings like a cheap one-night stand the first few days, but nevertheless waiting in her car to take Gail to work when Chris couldn't take her, until Gail had gathered up the courage to tell her to just stay for coffee and some breakfast. So what if anyone saw her?

She realized that Holly had given her everything and suddenly felt terrible for being upset about the fact that Holly had a life of her own as well. After a few days of radio silence she decided to just talk to Holly about it. Push her insecurities out of the way and just say what she feels. It was a very un-Gail-like thing to do, she knew that. But she wanted things to be different with Holly, so she supposed she had to do things differently. She wanted to not screw this up making the same mistakes she had made before.

She entered Holly's lab with a hesitant knock and a whispered "Hey".

Holly's head swung towards the door, her face lighting up immediately at the sight of Gail. So she was happy to see her, right? She was still interested?

"Officer! I thought you had disappeared on me." There was no malice in her voice, mostly delight and relief, although Gail could detect a little bit of disappointment.

"No, I... Sorry." What was she supposed to say? She _had _disappeared on Holly, after all.

"You're lucky I have my spies that keep tabs on you and let me know you're very much alive and kicking." Holly replied with a wink. Gail knew she wasn't completely off the hook here. She also knew, however, that Holly wasn't actually mad, and that just the attempt at an honest explanation would suffice – for now at least. There it was again, the safety.

"I brought you coffee, in lieu of a white flag, sort of?" She held out a cup for Holly who took it, throwing one of her lopsided smiles at Gail.

"So. I was upset." She just had to get it out. This wouldn't be the most elegant apology slash explanation, but she at least wanted it to be honest.

"About what?" Holly had pushed her glasses up her head and rounded her desk, positioning herself right across from Gail.

"This is going to sound really stupid." No response. Alright, pull through. "I... You... You just never had time for me anymore!" Jesus!

"What?" Even Holly seemed a bit taken aback but also amused by this sudden outburst of childish frankness.

"God. That came out wrong. Sorry. I just mean... At first, you were there for me all the time, until you suddenly weren't anymore, you know? I mean, it's not like you weren't there for me at all anymore, it's just... it was less than before, and it made me think..." She was rambling.

"Gail, I'm sorry, you should know..." Holly had this apologetic look on her face that Gail just couldn't stand. This definitely wasn't Holly's turn to apologize.

"No. No, you don't need to be sorry. Look, I get it. You've put your life on hold for me and I don't even think you have the remotest idea how grateful I am for that. I really am. And I get that you have a life of your own, and that you have things to do, and that you can't be at my beck and call all the time. I know that. It just took me some time to realize, because I was so wrapped up in my own shit. I'm sorry. I know I sound incredibly self-involved right now. It's just... it was such a sudden change, that my mind went to places, you know? I thought that maybe you were fed up with me, or that you realized you didn't... _like _like me after all, or something like that. So..."

"Gail." Holly put her coffee down and took one of Gail's hands. "I promise you, I am _not _fed up with you. And I'm pretty sure I never will be. And I am _very_ sure that I _do_ _like _like you. I would spend every spare minute with you if I could, you know? But I just... " She hesitated for a moment. "There's quite some work that I have to catch up on, and there are other commitments, family, friends, and stuff, that I can't just neglect."

"I know." Gail whispered, suddenly feeling small. "I know that, I really do. And I'm sorry. I just... I miss you when you're not there."

That was kind of the essence of it all, wasn't it? She missed Holly. Like crazy. Like she wouldn't ever admit to anyone – even admitting it to herself was difficult enough. But she knew she did, in that cheesy _I wonder what she is doing right now_-way, just wishing she could hear her voice, see her smile, feel her skin, preferably at all times. It was a strange concept. She didn't usually miss people. Sure, when she was with Chris, or Nick, she enjoyed the time she spent with them, mostly. But she never _missed _them, like, actually felt like they were missing, at any time. They were either there or they weren't. She was usually enjoying herself either way. She was a bit of a hermit at times after all. She supposed that she might reach that point with Holly too, some day. But for now, she couldn't imagine ever being annoyed with Holly's presence. Probably because Holly always seemed to know what Gail wanted or needed. She was never pushy, but at the same time she was far from being a walkover. She just got her. And she made everything better, just with her presence.

"Gail." Holly took another step towards Gail and cupped her cheek with her free hand. "I miss you too when I'm not there. I really do. And believe me, there are no times when I don't _want_ to see you. I just sometimes can't. Ok?"

She waited for Gail's "ok", accompanied by a somewhat embarrassed nod, before moving her body into Gail's and kissing her softly, pouring all her emotions into the kiss to make the voices in Gail's head shut up. Since Gail left her lab with a smile on her face, and resumed their usual text-, phone- and coffee-break-banter, it must have worked.

...

It was about an hour later when she found herself still walking. She had been so lost in her thoughts that she had just been walking around without destination. Not really, though, she realized as she looked to her right. There it was. The park that Holly took her to the day after the shootings. She had dragged Gail out of the apartment and, under fierce protests from the blonde, gotten her to take a walk – an activity that much to Gail's disbelief and bewilderment had sort of become _their thing_ after that day, their way of reconnecting amidst their stressful everyday work. Walking for the sake of walking – Gail just didn't get it. But as they explored the snow-covered city street by street, step by step, Gail forgot about the walking part and just let her thoughts wander, Holly granting her the silence she felt she needed to do so. She thought about Chloe and Sam, of course, about Oliver, about Jerry, about what she could have done differently, then and now, about how she could help. After a little while she realized she wasn't really thinking about anything in particular anymore. For the first time in she didn't know how long, she was just _being_, here and now. Taking in her surroundings, breathing in the crisp air, letting the winter sun warm her face, finding a moment of solace and maybe even happiness in all of it.

And she knew it had everything to do with Holly. With the warmth of her hand enveloping Gail's, with the way she silently guided Gail through the white streets of Toronto and out of her inner labyrinth of darkness, with the sound of their footsteps crunching in the snow in rhythmic lockstep, with the way the brunette had – despite Gail's crankiness – basically forced her – with charming and calm but effective persistence – to take this walk because she knew it would be exactly what she needed. She felt her heart swell with appreciation and gratitude in a way she hadn't even remotely known before. When they arrived at the park and sat down on one of the benches looking out on the now frozen pond, she felt ten times lighter than she had when the left the house. She squeezed Holly's hand, pulling her in closer, and rested her head on Holly's shoulder. After another ten minutes in silence Gail started talking. All the things that had been running through her head during their walk were just bubbling out all of a sudden, sharing them with Holly feeling like the most natural thing ever.

They kept talking about nothing and everything, conversation flowing effortlessly, and eventually stopped at a tiny and charming coffeehouse slash florist slash bookshop for coffee and cake – or cakes, in Gail's case – and for maybe half an hour, maybe an hour, Gail forgot about it all. She was just a girl sipping coffee staring into the eyes and listening to the soft voice of probably the coolest chick ever, completely smitten and excited and feeling all light and peaceful. In retrospect, she would consider that their first real date, and despite the circumstances it was probably the best first date she had ever been on. A little over a week later, when they were back on the same bench, she caught herself thinking about sitting here with Holly in 20, 40, 60 years, old and wrinkly and whimsical, and still very much in love with each other. She immediately scolded herself for even letting her mind go there – the future, and the _love _part. _Don't get ahead of yourself, Peck!_

These two places, that bench and the coffeehouse, had quickly moved to the top of the list of Gail's favorites, being her islands of peace and contentment. Well, she soon realized that any place she was with Holly qualified for those criteria – she supposed she could be standing in the middle of a crowded highway and would be as cool as a cucumber as long as she was holding Holly's hand. But these two places, there was just something – or everything – about them, about that whole day really, that was so... _Holly. _It was her happy place.

She ran her index finger across the snow-covered backrest of the bench, wondering how, in a matter of weeks, a hypothetical 60 years have been crushed in just the blink of an eye. She felt herself choking up, fresh tears running down her face. With a jerk she turned around and started running. _Home. I need to get home. This has to be over. No more thoughts. No more memories. _


	3. 3 - The Ghost Of A Thousand Little Lies

_This is a very short one - the next chapter should be up soon!_

* * *

Right now, Gail hated what Holly had made of her. The old Gail would just shut herself off completely, pull up those walls, deal out kicks and punches to those who rubbed her the wrong way, get drunk, push people away, be mean and miserable, and then, in the silence of her own bed, just blame it all on Holly. Not in her wildest dreams would the old Gail even have considered getting back in touch with Holly. She would have just been dead to her. Not the post-Holly Gail though. She was amazed at how much just a few months with Holly have changed her. How she made her believe that she, Gail Peck, actually _deserved _certain things, that she was allowed to _expect_ certain things from certain people, that it was ok to _ask _for the things that she wanted or needed. That letting your guard down, showing someone you need them, showing someone your softer side, doesn't equal defeat. It doesn't make you weak. So, while old Gail wouldn't even have considered getting in touch with Holly, new Gail found herself typing out a message to her. It had been about a week since Holly had left a crying Gail behind outside the bar, both of them carefully avoiding the other one ever since.

G: _I think I deserve an explanation. Meet me tonight? G._

H: _Sorry, can't make it tonight. H._

G: _Fine. Tomorrow then? I have the whole day off, so you'd even get to pick the time._

She waited over an hour for a reply. The first one had come right away.

G: _Or Sunday? _

H: _I have plans all weekend. I really am sorry. _

G: _Wow. I'm giving you quite a wide range of options here, Holly. One would think you would be able to make some time if you cared enough. _

H: _I do care._

She fired back. About 25 minutes later, her phone pinged again.

H: _So I was able to move some things around. Is tonight still good for you?_

G: _I finish around 6. I'll pick you up when I get off._

H: _Ok. I'll be at the morgue. _

...

She walked down the corridor to Holly's lab and stopped in the doorsill. Holly had her back to her, picking up things from her desk and throwing them into her purse in a scatty manner that didn't fit Holly at all. Her phone was clipped between her shoulder and her ear.

"No. No, it's just for tonight, ok?" ... "It's a friend from work. She... needs my help with something." _A friend from work who needs her help? Really?! _"Ash, we'll have to whole weekend to ourselves. Just you and me." Her voice was raised slightly, but she didn't sound annoyed. Mostly, she sounded guilty. "Yes, I promise." she asserted. "Of course I'll make us pancakes on Sunday. I always do, don't I?" Gail could hear the big smile on Holly's face, her voice soft. "Me too. See you tomorrow." ... "Ok. Have fun! I love you." ... "Bye."

She threw her phone into her bag and spun around, her mouth falling open as she laid eyes on Gail.

"Gail! You're... early." _Shit. _For how long had she been standing there? How much had she heard of her conversation? More than enough, it seemed. Gail's squinted at Holly, her gaze hardening.

"Sorry!" she said with as much bitterness and sarcasm as she could muster, while her whole body felt like pins and needles and she could feel tears gathering behind her eyes. How could Holly do that? What kind of sick game had she been playing all this time?

She turned around on her heel and stormed down the corridor towards the exit, Holly following her, pleading with her to stop and let her explain. Just before she reached the elevator, she stopped abruptly and turned around, Holly almost running into her.

"Seems like the things you need to explain are starting to pile up, huh?" She sneered.

"Well, yes." Holly's gaze dropped to the floor conscience-stricken. "Apparently I've made a few bad choices lately. But if we can just go..." Gail stopped her mid-sentence with the raise of a hand.

"You know what, Holly? I really thought I deserved an explanation. But what I just realized, after this, is that maybe you don't deserve a _chance_ to explain."

Holly inhaled and opened her mouth, ready to respond. But Gail couldn't have any of that. She narrowed her eyes and shook her head.

"Fuck you, Holly."

The elevator still wasn't on their floor, so Gail turned and took off towards the staircase stoutly.


	4. 4 - Just A Boy

Just A Boy

Great. A bunch of germy kids. Exactly what she needs. To say that her mood had been abysmal during the past few weeks would be the understatement of the century. To her, Holly had been perfect. Of course she was not naïve enough to think that she would be without flaws, flaws that were yet to be discovered. But she would have bet everything that being a cheater and a liar would not be amongst them. After what she had witnessed at the lab, she wasn't even able to put into words what she was feeling. Fooled? Betrayed? Certainly. Hurt? Angry? Disappointed? Without question. But it was so much more.

She felt all those things when she found out about Nick and Andy, although in retrospect those feelings had more to do with Andy than with Nick. Of course it felt like a million stabs to the heart that Nick left her, again. That she had known for some time that he would leave her, again. But she realized rather quickly that she never honestly saw a future with Nick. She had tried to, had hoped that there would be a future for them, but at the same time she knew that she would never be enough for Nick. He would never feel like she was good enough – not the way she actually was. And even though she had tried to change, for him, deep down she was more than reluctant to really do it. Because he would never be enough for her either. So in the end, apart from a broken ego and the confirmation of her fear that all people would ever do was leave her, what remained was Andy's betrayal – and no matter how bad she knew that Andy felt about it, that was what really stung. When Chris broke up with her, she felt betrayed and hurt and disappointed as well. Not because their relationship ended though – they were having fun together, but it never went much further than that, and she was sure that deep down they both knew that – but because of the way she was practically shunned by the boys for something that she didn't really have any control over. She had never admitted to anyone how much that really hurt. How they made her feel that their friendship, that _her _friendship, was suddenly absolutely worthless to them.

This thing with Holly though, it felt like someone had pulled a rug out from under her, and she was just falling, stumbling, unraveling ever since. And it had nothing to do with her ego, it had nothing to do with pride. In an incredibly short amount of time, Holly had become her lifeline, her sanctuary, and she had a hard time imagining her future without her. She knew she was being melodramatic. She knew that, eventually, she would get over it, even if it meant just carefully reconstructing all her walls and hiding her true self away again in order to heal, or at least pretend to heal. Eventually, she would meet someone new, maybe even someone who would get her like Holly did – if it happened once, why shouldn't it happen again? What she didn't know, though, was when 'eventually'would come. And what she did know, despite everything, was that she didn't _want _'eventually' to come. She wanted to be with Holly. And the fact that apparently she couldn't was breaking her heart in the truest sense of the word.

Of course Holly had called and texted countless times in increasingly desperate attempts to have Gail give her a chance to explain herself – all of which were completely ignored by Gail. Seriously, what did she expect? She even showed up at the precinct a few times, but Gail was always quick enough to duck out before she could get a hold on her. Still, despite all her efforts at avoidance and repression, all her thoughts were bent on Holly. On all the moments they shared, on how it fell apart, on why she had done what she did.

And now she was stuck here, in this hotel lobby, with all these loud, upset and hyperactive kids, the ultimate strain on her already fragile nerves. There had been a fire in the school building, and the officers from 15 were called in to help with the evacuation, making sure all the kids got out safely and taking them to the nearby hotel lobby to wait for their parents to pick them up. McNally and Price were of course fully in their element, playing and laughing with the kids, cheering them up. Gail, on the other hand, had positioned herself on the sidelines, watching from a safe distance, just like Chris had, though he probably did it for different reasons, considering the situation with Denise and Christian that he still was in the process of getting over.

"Hey. Mrs... officer?" _Great. Not even here she was safe?_

"Hey. I'm Gail. Is something wrong?" She crouched down to the little boy. Even though she didn't want to admit it, she liked kids – just not so many of them at once. And this one seemed to be a real charmer. He had brown curly hair and a smile Gail was sure would steal quite a few hearts as he got older. His eyes were brown and soft, but mischievous at the same time. He reminded her a little bit of Leo.

"Are we in trouble?"

"No, why would you think that?" She put a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to soothe him. Although she wasn't sure he really needed it. Yes, there was a hint of worry in his voice, but mostly he sounded curious.

"Well, because you... the police, are here. My mom said the police protect people. But the fire is gone. So, are we in trouble so that you need to protect us?"

"No. No, you're not in trouble. We were just here to help your teachers with the evacuation. And now we wait for your parents to pick you up, to make sure you get home ok." She nodded reassuringly.

"My mom."

"What?" She was just in the process of getting back up, thinking that his question was settled, but the boy made no indication of leaving.

"You said our parents are going to pick us up. I don't have parents. I have a mom."

"Oh. I'm sorry." Ok. Maybe not the best thing to say? Who knows why he only had a mom. She didn't know what else to say though.

"Why?" He seemed seriously puzzled.

"I don't know. I guess I just... You see, when I was your age, my mom was very strict. So whenever she wouldn't allow me to do something, I would go to my dad, and he would allow me... So I guess for me that was the big advantage of having two parents. Until he caught on to my little game of course."

"Well, my mom is really cool." His face lit up and he grinned at her proudly.

"That's good. You're very lucky then."

"Yeah. You know, a lot of people are sorry when I tell them I don't have a dad. But I have grandma and grandpa. I get to spend a lot of time with them. And my aunt and uncle. They are cool too."

"It sounds like you have a great family." She thought this would end the conversation.

"You look bored." She snickered. His directness had caught her slightly off guard, although she had to admit it reminded her a bit of herself.

"No, I'm... You know, I'm just not really great with kids, plus, I woke up a little cranky today." She scrunched up her face. "So I let my two friends over there take care of entertaining you all." While she tried to maintain a child-appropriate lightness, she was surprised how honest her response was.

"You seem alright to me." He shrugged.

"Thanks. How very charming of you." She smiled. For the first time in weeks, she honestly smiled.

He held out a piece of paper and a pen. "Wanna play Battleship?"

"Sure..."

They both sat down on the floor, drawing boxes and positioning their ships. He had found her aircraft carrier and battleship in no time, and most of her other ships as well, only short one submarine and a patrol boat, while Gail's yield had been rather meager.

"Ash!" A woman's voice interrupted their game as the boy jumped up and waved at the woman. A woman's voice that sounded all too familiar.

"Mom! Hey!" The woman approached and hunkered down and pulled him into a crushing hug. Holly. His mom. _Holly. _She let him go after a while and looked at him worriedly.

"Ash. Hey. Are you alright? Are you hurt? Let me look at you." She scrutinized him head to toe.

"Moooom! I'm fiiiine!" Clearly, the boy – _Ash_, as it seemed – was a bit embarrassed by his mother's concern.

"Ok. Ok. Go get your stuff and let's get you home." She hadn't directly looked at Gail ever since she got here. Gail's eyes of course had been fixated on Holly from the moment she laid eyes on her. She wondered whether Holly had even registered that she was here. Judging by the way her eyes were trailing around the room as soon as they were left alone though, clearly avoiding Gail, she supposed she had. After a while she finally, slowly, managed to meet Gail's eyes.

"Sorry. I hope he didn't bother you." She shoved her hands into her coat pockets looking quite uncomfortable.

"Uh. No. Not... Not at all." Gail's mind was racing, a mixture of shock and bewilderment and enlightenment, so that her conversational skills were currently rather limited.

"He likes talking to adults. Sometimes I worry about him." The lopsided smile again. _Damn you, Holly Stewart!_

"No. I don't think..."

"Ready!" He was back, backpack on his shoulders, and holding out his gym bag to Holly. She took it, ruffling his hair.

"All set?"

"Goooo!" He shouted with a nod. It amazed Gail how excited he was that his mom was here. She didn't remember ever being this happy to see her mom. Well, she also would never have referred to her mom as 'really cool' either. So Holly was a 'really cool' mom. And Ash was a 6-year-old boy.

"Well, bye then." Holly waved at Gail somewhat awkwardly and turned around with Ash, ready to leave, when the boy turned around and waved at her as well.

"Bye Gail!"

"Bye... Ash... It was fun playing with you. Such a shame we will never know who would have won." She winked at him.

He tilted his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. "Please!" Gail could only laugh in response to that. He waved again, and with that his attention was back with his mother.

"Mom, can we go get ice cream?"

"After a day like today, we can get whatever you want."

"Ice cream! Yay!"

"Yay..." He skipped towards the exit, as Holly turned around briefly, throwing Gail one last look before leaving. It was a look that Gail couldn't quite place. It looked mostly apologetic, but a little upset at the same time. So... Holly is a mom. Holly has a kid.

"Hey. Wasn't that Holly? I had no idea she had a child." She hadn't even noticed that Chris was standing right next to her while she was just staring at the door, lost in thought.

"Not now, Chris." He threw his hands up in defeat.

"Whatever. Andy and Chloe said we could leave. Most of the kids have been picked up by now, so we really don't need to all hang around."

"Great." She muttered, not taking her eyes off the entrance. What was she waiting for, that Holly would come back running into the lobby? And to do what exactly?

She didn't really know what to feel. What she was supposed to feel, what she was allowed to feel. She knew she felt a little embarrassed, for jumping to conclusions after hearing that phone conversation, for thinking Holly was a cheater, for not letting her explain. In the light of this new piece of information a lot of things became clearer, a great deal of Holly's actions over the past weeks were explained, and the dressing-down Gail gave her seemed a little too cruel. Her heart also went out to Holly, because she thought there must be a reason for Holly not telling her she had a kid, some bad experience or experiences she must have had in the past. _No. No excuses. Holly fucked up. _Holly _did _fuck up. As much as there may have been reasons for her behavior, they don't excuse it. Even if there had been bad experiences – didn't they have something special? Gail thought so. Didn't Holly say they told each other stuff? So why not tell Gail this? What did she think Gail would do once she found out? No, the way Holly handled this was not ok. Definitely not. She made Gail blame herself for yet another failed attempt at a relationship, made her question – once again – whether she was worth it, whether she even deserved happiness, because it seemed that the universe didn't think so. She broke her heart. So yes, she was angry. She was disappointed. She felt betrayed. Holly fucked up.


	5. 5 - Do I Wanna Know?

"Hey." Gail was standing in the doorsill to Holly's lab, her hands buried deep in her trouser pockets.

"Uhm. Hey." Holly turned her head towards the door, her hands still inside the body that was opened up in front of her. She raised her eyebrows at Gail, but didn't say anything else. She didn't know what to say. She only knew her hands suddenly felt all shaky, and her heart was pounding like mad. She had waited for this moment impatiently, and dreaded it at the same time.

Gail entered the lab and rounded the autopsy table, coming to a stop when she was standing right across from Holly.

"Traci sent me. You got any ID or cause of death yet?" Her eyes were fixed on the body separating her and Holly now.

"No luck on either so far, but I'm slowly closing in on COD. DNA is still being processed." It wasn't lost on Gail that Holly was trying really hard to stay professional.

"Ok. I'll just go sit over there until you have any news." She walked over to the desk in the corner of the lab and plunked down into the chair, followed by Holly's gaze.

She had volunteered for the job, practically begged Traci, who wanted to call upon one of the new rookies to dawdle away at the lab, to let her go, since she knew Holly was the pathologist assigned to the case. It had been a week since she found out about Ash, and she hadn't talked to Holly since. She had been wrecking her brains about this situation. How on earth did that happen? Why hadn't she told Gail? What did it all mean? Where do they go from here?

"So... You have a kid." She spoke slowly, almost absentmindedly, staring into the distance. Holly stopped what she was doing and looked at Gail, apparently trying to figure out whether this was going to be a longer conversation.

"I have a kid." Gail nodded as if that was new information to her that she had to process.

"What happened to his dad?" She turned to face Holly, inquisitive blue eyes meeting uneasy brown ones. Yep, this was going to be a longer conversation. Holly stripped off her gloves and went to wash her hands before leaning on the desk opposite to the one Gail was sitting at.

"He... He signed off his parental rights to me before Ash was even born."

"What? Why would he do that?"

"It was a one night stand. We met at a party, we had a few too many drinks, one thing led to another, and bam, a little over nine months later, I had a baby." She raised her eyebrows and shrugged.

"Gee, Holly! Didn't you use protection? I mean, you're supposed to be smart!" She knew this was not the time, but the thought of Holly sleeping with some guy – sleeping with _anyone_, really – sent a rush of jealousy through Gail's bones.

"Yes, of course we used protection. But the condom broke. Anyway, when I told him I was pregnant, he thought I should 'get rid of it', you know? But I didn't want to. He didn't want to have the responsibility of being a father, so he signed off his rights. He does pay child support though."

"Well, that's the least he can do!" Gail scoffed. "Doesn't Ash ask about his dad?"

"He did. I had told that guy that if he would ever be asking who his father was, I think he had a right to know and that I wouldn't be protecting his privacy. He wouldn't need to take any responsibilities, but he would have to face him if he ever wanted to look for him. So that's what I told Ash, that I have his address, and if he ever wanted to meet him, that he could. He didn't want to so far."

"It must be hard, doing this by yourself?" She came down to the morgue to demand answers, to demand an explanation, to call her out on the less-than-fortunate way she decided to handle this. But now that she was actually here, faced with Holly, seeing the insecurity and the guilt written all over her face, but also relief and resolution, she mostly found herself curious about Holly's past and increasingly sympathetic towards the intricate situation she had probably found herself in with Gail. She also felt a whole new kind of respect for Holly, now that she realized what being a mother and having a career at the same time must entail for Holly, how difficult it must be at times. She knows, after all, how Traci is constantly struggling to reconcile Leo, her job, and her own leisure time.

"Well, it's not always easy. It was harder though when I was still a resident and he was still little. But I have a great support system. My parents, and my siblings. They really do help out a lot. He spends every second weekend at my parents', and sometimes a night or two during the week. It always depends on everyone's schedules, and on whether he wants to go. It's not like I force it on him. I mean, I think it's important for him to know that his family is bigger than just me, that there are also other people he can turn to. And of course it's nice to have the option to go out or just... I don't know... have some time to myself, you know? But he always comes first. Anyway, most of the time he's gone I just spend relaxing and sleeping, because I usually don't get to do that much." She chuckled defensively.

"Wow. You're really lucky that you have your whole family supporting you."

"Yeah, I know, I really am. And I am grateful for everything they're doing. I wouldn't be where I am now without them."

"So the other week... when I came to the lab to pick you up... you were talking to Ash?" Of course she knew the answer.

Holly smiled knowingly. When she picked him up the other day, she deliberately called him by his name several times, and loud enough for Gail to hear it.

"Yes. He wasn't supposed to stay at his grandparents' that night, but I had called them and asked them if they could pick him up from school, so that..."

"...so that you could meet up with me."

"So that I could meet up with you. Yes."

Wow. Gail thought she had never felt more stupid in her entire life. And never more guilty and embarrassed for making a scene like that. Holly was moving around her whole schedule, calling upon her parents, possibly upsetting her son, or at least taking the chance of doing so with the last minute change of plans, and Gail immediately jumped to the worst of all possible conclusions. To be fair though, she didn't know, and it did sound anything but innocent. But Gail didn't ask, and she didn't give Holly the benefit of doubt and a chance to explain either.

"I'm sorry. I feel so stupid. I thought..."

"I know what you thought, Gail."

A slightly uncomfortable silence fell between them, and Gail could tell that Holly was waiting for her to say something, something meaningful at best. And it would be the perfect time for Gail to open up about her feelings. Because despite everything, Holly kind of brought this onto herself by not just telling Gail sooner. Despite everything, Gail was still hurt, and she still expected and explanation, and Holly had still dropped the ball. She suddenly didn't feel ready to go there though. She didn't feel ready to face the answers, the explanation.

"I... I guess you should get back to work, if we ever want to find out what happened to that poor guy..."

Gail saw a wave of disappointment wash over Holly's face.

"Yeah. I guess I should."

"I'm going to run out and get us some lunch, ok? If you are anything like me, you must be starving!" She tried to lighten the mood a little, and Holly did throw a smile her way.

"I certainly could eat."

"Ok. Anything in particular you fancy?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't matter. Just... Whatever you'll get will be fine." She snapped on a new pair of gloves.

"Come on, I will get you whatever you want."

She squinted, contemplating her answer for a second, and then specified, with a grin. "I want a burger. A good one. With bacon. And extra cheese. And fries of course. Ketchup _and_ mayo."

Gail's jaw dropped a little with every word. "You are serious, aren't you?"

"Well, you said you'd get me whatever I wanted. That's what I want. But if you come back with sandwiches I'll be happy, too." She shrugged.

"No. No no. Your wish is my command. I actually quite like the burger idea."

She threw her head back on her way out and caught Holly following her with her eyes. They exchanged a smirk and Gail was out the door, leaving Holly to her work.

About an hour and a half later, they were sitting at Holly's desk, both bent over the last bites of their burgers. Holly had been able to determine the cause of death, and as soon as the DNA results would come back, there was no more reason for Gail to stay here. And speaking from experience, the results should be in any minute now.

"Thanks for lunch. The burger really was delicious." Holly said while chewing down the last bits of her burger and wiping her hands on a tissue. She got up, disposed of the trash and went over to wash her hands and put her gloves back on.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She just burst out with the question in a mostly defiant and reproachful tone, much unlike the conversation they had earlier. Judging by Holly's reaction, recoiling at Gail's question, it probably came out a little harsher than she had intended. But she just had to get it out. She thought it was now or never.

Holly stopped dead. She had to say, she was a little surprised. She had been waiting for that question ever since Gail entered her lab, but after the conversation they had, she didn't expect Gail to bring it up once again. And she hadn't decided on how to play it. Did Gail get to be mad? Yes, it wasn't fair of her to keep Gail out of the loop for so long, but there was no need for Gail to jump to conclusions either. Still, if she were completely honest, if she heard someone have a phone conversation like that, she would probably jump to the exact same conclusions. She would probably storm out just like Gail did. That doesn't mean though that the _fuck you_, laced with all the anger and disdain building up inside of Gail, didn't hurt. Or the silence after that. Even after she found out who _Ash _was, she didn't say a word. Holly thought that all her fears about telling Gail were realized. Granted, it has only been a week. That's probably a rather short amount of time to process the very sudden revelation that Holly had a son. And Holly hadn't contacted her either. She had her reasons though. She didn't want to push, she wanted to give Gail the space and time to come to terms with that new situation. Maybe Gail had her reasons too.

"I've been asking myself that countless times. I mean, I know why, but I kind of don't, you know? When we first met, I didn't hold back that piece of information on purpose, it just never came up, simple as that. Then I realized I had these _feelings_ for you, that to me, you were more than just a friend, and I started over-thinking things, even more so when I realized you might have feelings for me too. I thought if I told you it would send you running for the hills. I wanted to... spend some time with you, get to know you better, give you the time to get to know me better. I wanted to give us both the time to figure out whether this, between us, could be going somewhere. Without throwing a kid in the mix, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess I understand that." She paused for a few moments, images of her and Holly, and fragments of their conversations, rushing through her head. A frown started to form on her face. "No. Actually, I don't! You said you couldn't do it. You basically broke up with me – I mean, I don't know if you actually considered us as _being together_, but whatever that was between us, you broke it off. So that we couldn't even get to the point of you throwing him in the mix. So what? You got to know me better and decided I wasn't worth taking that next step?"

"No, Gail! That's not true!" _You are a horrible person, Holly Stewart_. She just realized the effect her behavior must have had on Gail. The places it must have sent her treacherous brain and her fragile heart.

"Well, tell me why you did it then!" Her voice was cracking, and all the curiosity and the sympathy in her eyes were now replaced with anger, hurt, and sheer frustration.

"That thing you said about Leo that night at the Penny? Kids are great for a few hours every so often, as long as you get to drop them off with their parents afterwards? Well, I am _the parents. _I am the one that he is dropped off with. We are a package deal. All of the time, not just for a few hours here and there." She knew she was clutching at straws in order to warrant her behavior. It's not like it wasn't the truth. But mostly, it was one of the many bricks in the wall that was supposed to keep her from being hurt.

"Wow. That's so not fair, you know?" She shook her head, her frustration clearly growing.

"Look, I'm not judging you for what you said. You have every right to think so and I don't think that makes you a better or a worse person. If I didn't have a kid myself, I would probably think the exact same way. But I figured that my _situation _would be too much for you."

"Go back to a year before Ash was born. If someone had asked you back then what you would think about having a baby one year later. What would you have said?"

Holly's eyes darted around the room. She knew where Gail was going with this. She knew that in this case she was right.

"I mean, first of all, you can't just jump to conclusions and make general assumptions based on one single statement. And... You know, it's one thing to talk or think about hypothetical situations. But when you're actually faced with them in reality, I think that people have the ability to rise above and adapt to that new reality they find themselves in. You certainly don't think I have that ability."

There was a beep from the printer, indicating the DNA results were in. Gail looked towards the source of the beep and wanted to get up, get the paper and just get out of here. Holly stopped her.

"No, Gail. I didn't... I didn't actually think that far. I'm sorry. I realize that it wasn't fair of me to use what you said against you in that way. I'm really sorry. You have every right to be upset, I know that."

Gail just stared at Holly for an uncomfortably long time. She was slightly underwhelmed with what Holly had to say. She kind of had expected something different, something more. Maybe now that the cat was out of the bag, she thought Holly might have changed her mind about them. It didn't look like she had though. Yes, she apologized, she tried to explain. But she didn't seem to be looking for another chance or to be willing to give them one.

She got out of the chair and slowly walked towards the printer, taking out the sheets it had spit out a few minutes earlier and looking them over.

"You think I'm _upset_, Holly? That doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling! You have no idea the places my mind went. I thought... You have no idea... That was really fucked up, Holly." Her voice just faded, thick with emotion, her chin quivering.

She handed one of the copies over to Holly and took the other one with her.

"There was a match in the system."

She grabbed her jacket and was gone, leaving Holly motionless for the next twenty minutes.


	6. 6 - Holding Us Back

_A little shout-out to everyone who has been reading, leaving reviews, or following - thank you guys so much! It really is a great source of encouragement and I do hope you'll keep reading and enjoying this story!_

_Btw, this was initially just supposed to be a 3- or 5-shot at best - but somehow I just kept writing, so it seems to turn out a liiiittle longer than that..._

_I know it feels like I'm dragging this angsty part out unnecessarily just to torture you, but I promise I'm trying to update as regularly as possible to get it over with ;)_

* * *

_Gail. I owe you lunch and I think I also owe you somewhat more of an explanation – and a bunch of apologies, I guess. So, let me know if/when you can make it this week? Please. Holly_

Holly had turned their last conversation over in her head countless times. Should she have said more? Should she have said less? Should she have chosen her words more wisely? When Gail left, she unmistakably did so hurt and disappointed. Holly wasn't sure though if this was merely about Gail's ego, or if she had really hoped for a different outcome.

Yes, Gail now knew that Holly had a kid. But that didn't change the things for which she called it quits between them. Whatever it was they were having. She _did _think of the two of them as being _together. _Sure, what they had could maybe not have been described as a relationship, but to her, they were exclusive. She couldn't have borne the thought of Gail being with someone else, and she herself knew she wanted Gail and only her. But then she realized there was this huge _but. _And even though Holly hadn't really changed her mind about anything – using every inch of willpower she had – she knew that Gail had a right to know the reasons why. No. Holly had a duty to tell her the reasons why. Because as of now, Gail seemed to think she did it because she felt like the blonde wasn't good enough.

She was ripped from her thoughts by the ping of her phone.

_Diner across from the morgue in 30. G_

_I'll be there. Thank you. H_

When she walked into the diner she found Gail waiting for her in the booth in the far left corner by the window. She had the menu open in front of her, but was just staring out the window, only breaking her stare and looking up at Holly once she had reached the table.

"Hey."

"Hey Gail. Thanks for agreeing on having lunch. I was kind of afraid you wouldn't."

"You _are _going to pay for the food, right?" she answered with a smirk.

Gail was back. At least a part of her, some of the bite. And it did things to Holly. Just this one smirk, it made Holly want to grab her and kiss her. But that's not what they were here for. _Focus_. She sat down across from Gail and they placed their orders, before Holly started speaking again, fidgeting with her hands nervously.

"Well. I said I owed you another explanation. So... Look, Gail. I really don't want you to think that what happened had anything to do with you not being good enough in my eyes, or with the fact that I didn't think you were worth it or _anything_ like that." She locked eyes with Gail, pleading with her to really believe it.

"It's fine, Holly. You really don't need to build up my ego here. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. I get it." She mumbled nonchalantly, her voice flat. She was back in defensive mode, trying to close herself off again, but Holly needed her to hear her.

"No, Gail, you don't get it. The thing is... Look. My last girlfriend, Becky, we met when Ash was 2. She was all enthusiastic at first, having no problem with me having a kid, or so she said. She became a part of our lives very quickly, and after about a year we moved in together. And that's when it started to go downhill. She realized then what it really meant that I had a son. What it meant to have him there, all day, every day. And she started complaining. About me not having any time for her, or about _us _not having any time for our relationship, about waking up at night – or worse, having to share the bed with him – when Ash had trouble sleeping, about how all the planning revolved around me having a kid and having to make sure he is happy and taken care of first and foremost. And so we didn't even last another year after that. The thing is, she wasn't a bad person, she wasn't as bitchy as she may sound now. It was just too much for her. Luckily Ash was still little and wasn't affected by it all too much. And while I was of course heartbroken at first, I soon realized it was for the best..." Holly had studied Gail's features carefully while she was speaking. At the very mention of her ex, she could see the jealousy flare up in Gail, and she didn't miss the quick eye-roll, saying _I didn't come here to talk about your fucking exes, why do I have to listen to this?_,either. Now, that Holly paused for a moment to take in Gail's reaction, her expression was expectant, like she was waiting for the lesson to be learnt from her story. Holly took a slow, deep breath.

"What I'm trying to say is, I know it's hard dating someone who has a kid. It puts so much pressure on the other person, because they are never just dating me, they are also in a way dating Ash. It's hard to deal with that, and it's hard for a relationship to grow and develop, especially in the early stages, where everything is still new, and nothing should be _that _serious yet, in circumstances like that. It would be hard for anyone."

"Oh, you mean, it would be hard even for _normal _people like _Becky_, let alone for a basket case like me?" She couldn't help the jealous dig at her ex. Her eyes were narrowed, her voice dripping with sarcasm, her whole demeanor flippant and a little exaggerated, her shields up and prepared to deflect from her true feelings by switching to attack mode. They both knew, however, that what Gail said was exactly what she thought, how she saw herself, how others have made her see herself for years.

_Right. Of course Gail would take it in the worst possible way._

"No. Don't put words in my mouth, Gail. _But_, yes, I think it would have been a little harder for you in this particular situation, because... you would have been dating a woman. For the first time ever. And that in itself is probably a huge thing for you, and requires some... adjustments, and it takes time to deal with that. And then there would have been the added pressure of me having a son."

_Would have been. _Not _would be. Would have been. _

"What makes you think that it would be so difficult for me to deal with the fact that I'm dating a woman? I mean, I know I haven't been exactly shouting our... _thing..._ out into the world, or been very keen on PDA, but 95 percent of that is about me just being me, and not about you being a woman."

She was gesturing wildly, her hands flying through the air and her indignant facial expressions reinforcing her argument. This was so unlike Gail. Gail was usually calm. Even when she lashed out at someone, she did it with an odd kind of serenity, her hands resting in her lap or the pockets of her trousers or her jacket, the emotion in her still smooth voice – mostly disdain, sarcasm or mockery – kept to the necessary minimum, trying to seem as detached as possible and thereby making the words sting even more. Not right now though. She wasn't really holding back, and her reasoning sounded more like a plea than anything else.

It occurred to Gail, then, how erratic her behavior really was. From indifference to jealousy, to indignation and outrage, to hurt and bargaining, attack and defense – she covered it all. She supposed it was a quite apt representation of her internal conflict. She wanted Holly, but she was still angry and disappointed about how Holly had handled everything. And the more she felt like she wouldn't get a satisfying explanation out of Holly, the more her frustration grew. She didn't even know what _would _be a satisfying explanation. Maybe the problem wasn't even the explanations – they did make sense, after all, even though they felt like Holly was just trying to take the easy way out – maybe the problem was the consequences to be drawn from those explanations. Gail wanted Holly. But everything that came out of Holly's mouth told Gail that she didn't want her, or at least that she _couldn't _want her, which, basically, amounted to the same thing. So of course Gail was not going to bear it all, make herself even more vulnerable, in the face of rejection.

"That's kind of the point though, the you being you part, you know?" As soon as the words were out, as soon as she heard them, she realized how they sounded. She adjusted her glasses nervously and shook her head, taking a moment to chide herself and rephrase that statement in her head. Gail, of course, was quicker to fire back.

"So this _is _about me not being good enough after all, isn't it?" She smiled tiredly, the hurt and disappointment obvious, but the conclusion came to no surprise to Gail, and that was just as evident. And it broke Holly's heart.

"No! Gail, that was exactly _not _what I wanted to say!" She reached over to Gail, resting her hand on top of hers, but, after lingering for a few short moments, taking in the warmth of Holly's skin on hers, the blonde pulled back. "Look, I... I meant what I said the other day. I like you. A lot. I really, _really _do. Because I think that you are incredible. You are great. And wonderful. _Exactly _the way you are." Holly had to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. "And that's the thing. You shouldn't have to change _any_ of it. And I think that you deserve to be with someone who can just... let you be yourself, exactly the way you are. Who doesn't have to put any pressure on you, who can let you figure things out, who can give you all the time that you need to figure out whatever you need to figure out, who can give you the time and the space to... to run, if you feel like you can't deal with things. You deserve to be with someone with whom you can just simply _be_. And I would _love _to be that person. Believe me. I would. And if this were just about me I wouldn't have any second thoughts. If this were just about me, I would really want to give you all that, to be that person. But the thing is that this isn't just about me, ok? It's about Ash as well. And I can't... I can't give you all that time and all that space, and I can't give you free passes for running or freaking out. Because... If you're in my life, you're also in his life. And if you'd run, you wouldn't just be running from me, you wouldn't just be abandoning me, you would be abandoning him as well. You wouldn't just break my heart. And I can't take that risk... For his sake. I really wish I could."

She shook her head dejectedly. Gail had listened calmly. She wanted to interrupt Holly a few times, but she had gotten so emotional that the blonde decided it was better to just let her finish. She took a few moments to take Holly's words in before finally speaking up, softly at first.

"Wow. Look, Holly, I understand. I understand that you need to protect your son. And I understand that you want to shelter him from any possible hurt that might come his way. It kind of sucks, though, that you feel like you have to protect him from _me_. And it also kind of sucks that... I don't think it's entirely fair." She raised her voice. "I mean, you have everything figured out for yourself, but you didn't even ask me, you didn't even give me a fair chance, you know? And I guess that is what hurts the most, is that you don't seem to have any faith in me. Like, I haven't so much as turned my back to you, and you already see me running. You don't get to play the martyr here, Holly. Because no matter how wonderful you say I am, I am obviously not wonderful enough."

She downed the last of her coffee and began to collect her things, grabbed her jacket and got out of the booth.

"Gail." She stopped her holding on to her forearm. And she turned back to Holly one last time, speaking in hushed tones so as to not make a scene.

"You know, I get that you're scared of letting anyone in. Believe me, I have mastered the art of self-protection. And I get that there's more at stake for you than for most other people. But there are no guarantees, _ever_. No one can tell you with absolute certainty what is going to happen in twenty years, or in fifty. And you can't just keep being scared of all hypothetical eventualities and back out before you take the tiniest risk."

"Gail." She didn't exactly know what to say. She just knew she didn't want Gail to leave yet. Not when she was still obviously this hurt, and disappointed, not when she still thought Holly's lack of faith eventually boils down to her not being good enough. She had wanted to make Gail understand, but she now felt like their conversation has only lead to even more misunderstandings. At least it didn't resolve anything. She didn't even know if she herself understood anymore. She had become obsessed by this idea that she was only acting in Ash's best interest, in Gail's best interest, that she had no choice, all the while knowing at heart that there was much more to her behavior than that – or maybe _much less _would be the more appropriate term.

"I have to go back to work. Thanks for lunch." She shrugged on her jacket and left the diner resolutely, not looking back.


	7. 7 - Be Not So Fearful

She spotted Gail at the bar, tracing the rim of the glass in front of her with her index finger, another drink waiting in front of the empty stool next to her. She slid onto the barstool and nudged her with her shoulder.

"Trace. Hey." Gail seemed strangely nervous. Traci had no idea what this was about. Gail had barged into the D's office a few hours earlier, practically ordering Traci to the Penny after her shift, saying that there was something they needed to talk about.

"Hey, Gail. You wanted to talk to me? Is everything ok? You sounded so serious... and ominous."

"Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine." She shook her head and took a deep breath. She had to remind herself for a moment that this was not the time for closed-off Gail to come out and play. _She_ had asked _Traci_ here. _She_ was the one who _wanted_ to talk. "I... I don't know. Actually, no. Nothing is ok. Listen, Trace. You have a kid."

"Yes. Very astute observation, Peck." She chuckled and clinked her glass with Gail's to take a sip.

"How was it for you when you started dating... someone. How did you decide that they were worthy of taking a risk? How did you decide who you let into Leo's life and who you don't?" She didn't look at Traci, her eyes tracing the liquor bottles on the shelves behind the bar.

"I don't know Gail. I mean, it took some time until I introduced Steve to Leo. It also took some time... with Jerry. I guess, I don't know, first I had to take some time to actually get to know the person that I'm dating. And then, after a while, when I realized we were becoming serious, I thought it was time to introduce them."

Gail didn't seem satisfied with that answer.

"Yeah, but how did you know that Leo wouldn't end up getting hurt? Because, you know, he might... get attached... or something... to your boyfriend. And then, what if things didn't work out, or..."

"Gail, what is this about? Did Steve say something to you? Is something bothering him, or why... Why are you asking all these questions?" Gail adored Leo, that was for sure, and she seemingly never tired of listening to her Leo-related stories. But this, these questions, they weren't really about Leo. They were about Traci's personal life, which – as close as the two women had gotten over the past two years – was very uncharacteristic for Gail. She didn't usually enquire about people's love lives, unless it was to tease them. And she didn't enquire any details about Traci's love life in particular, past or present, seeing as she was currently sleeping with Gail's brother, and before that, well... Traci knew very well that whenever anything was even faintly reminiscent of Jerry, Gail was instantly suffocating with guilt.

She turned on her barstool, now facing Traci, and rubbed her hands up and down her thighs nervously.

"Look. Traci. I will tell you something now that might... surprise you. But can we just focus on the question at hand here?"

"Uhm. Yes? I guess..."

Another deep breath. "Ok. Here goes. You know Holly, right?"

"Yeeees?" She still couldn't put two and two together, couldn't figure out how Holly would have anything to do with Leo and all those questions.

"We... uhm... We kind of were dating... sort of... I think?" Her gaze dropped down to the hands fidgeting in her lap.

"Yes Gail, that was rather obvious." Traci replied with a chuckle, causing Gail's head to shoot up, her brows knitted together and her eyes piercing Traci's.

"What, to everyone?"

"I don't know, Gail! I didn't discuss it with people. But it was to me." She couldn't help but giggle at Gail slightly panicked reaction.

"Ok, well... Good... Anyway... Focus."

...

"Stewart."

"Why so formal, little brother?" Holly chuckled.

"12 minutes, Hollikins. 12 minutes!" He was used to her teasing, and he really didn't mind. It had kind of become their thing over the years, their running gag, sort of, just that it wasn't really funny. Like, at all.

"Whatever, baby boy! What are you up to?"

"Nothing much, I actually just got home. _Middle child!_" Holly could hear his keys dropping into the bowl and the rustling of plastic bags, being set down on the kitchen counter, she guessed.

"Oh, ok. Do you... Is this a bad time?"

"Since when do you care?" He snorted, feigning irritation.

"It's just... This might be... a longer conversation." Not that that actually warranted mention. The phone calls with her sister were usually kept short, just checking in on each other, keeping each other updated, while the real, elaborate sharing and storytelling happened every other week or so when they all got together for dinner and drinks. With Adrian though, their phone calls more often than not lasted for an hour, or more. Neither of them usually knew how it happened, but every so often they found themselves after several hours, not really talking about anything in particular, but still gabbling on about anything and everything, each of them snuggled onto their sofa, with an empty bottle of wine in front of them. That was usually the sign to hang up – the empty bottle. She knew that he would understand that in this case _a longer conversation_ in fact meant _it's complicated and I need someone I can pour my heart out to_.

"Alright, let me just get a bottle of wine. You should do the same." She could hear Adrian rummaging around one of the drawers – she knew it was the top left one – in search of a corkscrew. "If we're finally going to talk about what's going on with Gail, I think you'll need it."

"What?" Holly was flustered. She knew he could read her like an open book. She could do the same with him. It still took her by surprise though, every time.

"Come on, Holly, I'm not stupid. For weeks – well actually, _months_ – you were all Gail this and Gail that, and her hair like white gold and her eyes as blue as the sea and the sky, and her soft skin, and the way she smells like freesias, and her pretty hands and..."

"Alright, alright, I get it!" He was laughing his ass off, while Holly was more than just a little embarrassed. She hadn't realized she had been talking about Gail this much.

"So anyway, throughout the past couple of weeks, not.. a.. word. So I'm guessing something is wrong?" His voice was soft and caring again. He wanted to ease Holly's noticeable tension by mocking her a little, but he had been waiting for this phone call for weeks now, and he knew that what she needed now was someone who would listen. After about a week of not hearing new stories about Gail, he had tentatively asked about her, how it was going with her, but when Holly quickly changed the subject he knew better than to push. For as intimate as their relationship was – sometimes he felt like they were the poster twins – he knew that certain lines were not to be crossed, even by him, or maybe especially by him. He knew that, had he pushed, she would have cloistered herself away and probably not have given in, in, like, forever – so he decided to just wait it out.

"Yeah. Something is wrong. Everything is wrong, actually." She started talking, telling him about everything, the Penny, the phone call Gail overheard, the lobby, the morgue, the diner, in minute detail.

...

"So we were dating. And then, all of a sudden, she broke it off. I had no idea why. I guess I just thought that it was because I'm me, you know, all Gail, complicated and snarky and stuff?"

Instead of objecting, Traci just grinned at her knowingly and tilted her head to the side as a gesture of sympathy.

"Anyway, I found out like a week or two ago that she has a son. Ash. He's six. And... She didn't tell me about him at first, because, she said, she didn't want to burden me with that right from the start, and she was afraid that I was going to run if I found out that she had a kid. But then, she still broke it off before even telling me, you know? And now she told me that she had to do it to protect him, because she is afraid that eventually I'm going to run or freak out or something and not just leave her and hurt her, but also Ash."

She looked at her pleadingly, almost helpless, searching Traci's face for... something. An explanation, a solution, just anything, Traci guessed. And her heart went out to her. The cold and unwavering Gail that she knew, the one that always seemed so unfazed by everything that happened around her – on the outside at least, Traci knew better than most that what went on inside of her was a completely different story – was sitting in front of her, staring at her with puppy dog eyes, begging for help.

"Ok. Well. I mean, I do kind of get that. It sucks, of course, and I don't think she exactly went about it the best way, not telling you for so long, and just making assumptions like that – but the thing is, when you have a kid, that becomes your top priority. It always, always, _always_ comes first. And whether you want it or not, and whether it is even necessary or not, you always feel like you need to protect them from any possible harm that might come their way. Like, no matter how much I loved Jerry, no matter how much I... _like_... Steve, if there would have been any kind of problem for Leo, there is no question about who would have drawn the short straw, you know?"

She almost felt bad for not saying anything a little more encouraging. But this clearly wasn't one of those situations where Gail expected Traci to just tell her what she wanted to hear, so she thought it best to go with honesty.

"But I get that, Traci, I do! I totally do. But... I don't know. The thing is, I really like Holly. And... I mean, you know me... Of course there is always that chance that I'm going to run and that I'm going to fuck it up, because I'm just me, and I get scared, and stupid, and, whatever. But with her, I don't know... I felt like maybe I didn't need to get scared, you know? Because I felt... safe. And after she just left me standing there, I didn't go all Gail. I actually jumped over my shadow and went for it. Which is something that I normally would never ever do, you know that. And I really don't want to hurt her, at all, and I don't want to hurt her kid. And I really think that with her maybe I didn't need to run."

She paused for a moment, taking a few contemplative breaths.

"You know, she told me that she really liked me too and that I deserved to be with someone who could let me just be myself and be happy with _me_. But the thing is, she is the first person with whom I ever felt like I could just be myself. I felt like she really got me, and I felt like I didn't need to pretend I was anyone else but who I was, you know? You never know how relationships go, you never know what will happen, but I really feel like I could not run and not get scared and not freak out, but the thing is, she... she doesn't really seem to trust that. I mean, the talks we had, she gave me no indication whatsoever that she would... And I don't know if I'm supposed to be mad about the fact that she doesn't have faith in me and she doesn't give me a chance. I think I am, mad. But mostly, I just... I really want to try and make this work, but I don't really know how to... how to make her understand that. And I don't know if it isn't too late anyway, if she has completely made up her mind, and no matter what I say she's just not going to give us another chance. But if there's any possibility of getting another chance, I just... I don't know what to do."

She huffed and slouched her shoulders in defeat. Traci waited a few seconds to take in everything that Gail just said.

...

"...and then what? I have Ash live through yet another disappointment?"

"Holly! For fuck's sake!" He raised his voice. He had tried to interrupt her monologue several times, to no avail. She had painted him a vivid picture of their potential future life with Gail, which, of course, ended with Gail running off.

"You are, like, a thousand steps ahead already! And of course, you only see all the bad things that could potentially happen."

"Because they _do_ happen, just..." No. He was not going to let her talk herself into a rage once again.

"She's not Becky."

"Of course she's not Becky." She shot back.

"No. She's _not_ Becky." He accentuated every single word, speaking slowly, for Holly to really hear him.

"I know. I know." She finally came down a little. "But what if.. What if I do let her in, into my life and into Ash's, and eventually she's overwhelmed with everything and it goes south? I don't know if I would... I don't know if I can take that risk." He took a deep breath, thinking about what to reply. If she wants to hide behind the fear of things going wrong, it's hard to reason with that.

"Besides. I don't even know if she still wants me. If she still wants _this_. I mean yeah, she was quite offended that I thought she might not be able to handle the circumstances and that I didn't give her a chance to see whether she was, but it's not like I ever really asked her if she still wanted that chance. And after everything, I'm also pretty sure she just hates me." Now they were getting somewhere. Her fury, her fight, was gone, finally giving way to the raw feelings lying underneath, the worry, the fear, the desperation. Not that he liked hearing his sister like that. He dreaded it. But at least this wasn't one of the wild scenarios she had come up with in her head. This was real.

"Look, Hollikins. I wasn't there – although, _believe me_, after the last 70 minutes I feel like I was – but from everything you told me, she still wants this. I think that she has given you several indications that she does. And I don't know whether you missed them or just ignored them. But nobody comes back for more the way she did if they're not hoping to find a way to make it work."

"You think?" Her voice was mostly laced with doubt, but there was this glimpse of hope shining through, not going unnoticed by Adrian.

"I think. And all those _what ifs_, Holly? Throw them out of the window, rip them into pieces, burn them! They're no use. And don't be an ass. She does not deserve to be treated like that. I mean, I don't really get why you would doubt her like that. She has never really run. She has never really freaked out on you. To the contrary, she always made sure to come back, even when it would have been more then understandable if she hadn't. She is obviously very much into you. With or without kid. You know, you can't keep going through life like that, scared of everything. In one way or the other, you are bound to get hurt sooner or later – and I don't think by Gail – and Ash is bound to get hurt sooner or later. These things happen. I wish they didn't, but they do. But you can't let them define you."

His sister had never been an anxious or timid person. She had always been confident, independent. She didn't like to rely on people, didn't like to get too attached. Adrian had never really been sure whether that was genuine self-sufficiency or whether there was some sort of profound distrust in the entire human race rooted deep inside of her – judging by her somewhat darkish teenage years, he considered the latter to be a realistic possibility indeed. Her relationships developed correspondingly. They were mostly just short flings, and even with the more serious ones, it was more then obvious that Holly's heart wasn't really in it. She hardly ever brought one of her girlfriends home, and if she did, it was mostly to spite her parents. Somehow, along the way, Holly hadn't realized that – after their admittedly more than unfavorable reaction to their teenage daughter's coming-out – they had long come to terms with her sexuality. It was more than that, they were proud of the courage they supposed it must have taken to open up about it. The only thing they were worried about was her choice of girlfriends, which Holly mistook for a general disapproval of her bringing home girls, until she overheard one of her parents' conversations, that ended with her dad saying he was sure that one day the right girl would come along that would make their daughter happy. The right _girl_.

After Ash was born, she had to learn the hard way that she at least had to let herself depend on her family, and she even came to embrace that after some time. And then there was Becky. It was the first relationship he had seen his sister be genuinely happy in. At least during the first year or so. When it ended, though, he wasn't all too surprised that she didn't seem too broken up about it, at least not for very long. What remained, however, was her reverting to her old ways of self-preservation, at least relationship-wise, and an increasing concern about the effect her life choices could have on Ash. She wasn't really over-protective, but she was refraining from dating under the pretext of protecting Ash. And while that was certainly true, he got a feeling she also did it to protect herself – more so than she cared to admit.

The first signs of life, love-wise, came a few years later, when she wouldn't stop talking about the blonde, straight, sassy police officer that almost kicked her off her crime scene. Her infatuation with Gail was as refreshing and heart-warming as it was alarming. The lesbian and the hot straight girl – who hasn't heard a story like that? And it usually never ended well for the lesbian. So he decided to set Holly up with one of his colleagues. He figured the chances were pretty good that it would have one of two outcomes. Either Holly would get over that thing she had for Gail – after all, Steph was attractive, funny, charming, and interesting – or Gail would realize that maybe Holly was more than just a friend to her and they might end up giving whatever it was that was happening between them a try. So far, so good. Until, he supposed, Holly got to the point of realizing what he had realized or at least suspected a little while earlier. Holly was falling for Gail. Fast and hard. And she was on the verge of – probably for the first time ever – being willing to, or having no other choice than to, get completely attached to someone, to really let someone in, to let someone just take hold of a part of her.

"Hm. Gail pretty much said the same thing." He was startled back into their conversation, getting lost in his thoughts.

"Well, she sounds like a smart girl! I hope I get to meet her soon."

"Yeah." It wasn't as enthusiastic as he had hoped, but at least Holly seemed to have some resolve to try and fix things with Gail.

"Well, I'm empty. I guess it's time for bed. Thank you, so much, for listening, and I'm really sorry for chewing your ear off like that. But I really needed that. And I needed you to put things into perspective. So thanks." She knew he would have the right things to say. And it's not like she didn't know all those things herself anyway, but hearing them from him made her actually start believing them.

"Anytime Hollikins! Happy to help. Just... One more thing. When you do talk to Gail, don't give her any more of this protecting Ash and children complicate relationships crap."

"But it's the truth!"

"Yes, I know it's the truth. But it's only a part of it. And honestly, Holly, I think you and I both know that the real reason is a slightly different one – and a much simpler one. And you should tell her."

Of course he didn't know for sure, but he did have a pretty good idea that he had hit home with his suggestions. He was met with silence from Holly's end of the line. He didn't expect her to say anything else anyway. He just wanted her to think about it.

...

"Wow."

"God, Traci, I'm so sorry about the word-vomit. Maybe that's just what I needed, a sounding board. I really am sorry."

She turned back towards the bar and downed her drink, signaling the bartender to get them another round.

"Don't be, Gail. This is good. I am actually impressed. And I'm happy to be your sounding board. Whenever you need one. Now, about your problem. First of all, you should explain all that to her. Tell her how you feel. Because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know. And after that... Actions speak louder than words. So just show her that you're going to be there. Show her that you're not going to back down this easily and that you're not going to freak out or run away. Just show her that you're there. And maybe that will make her understand. Maybe that will give her the faith that she needs to have in you to let her into her life like that. It may take some time, and it may be frustrating, for you. I mean, I hardly know Holly, I don't know how she ticks, but I think that that's your best option. Be there. Unconditionally. And show some interest in her life _with_ her kid, you know? Even if you haven't met him, show her that you care. About both of them."

"I do. Care. About both of them. I mean, I only met Ash once, and very briefly, but he seems like an awesome kid. And even if he didn't. He's her kid, so obviously I care about him." She sounded determined. She really wanted Traci to see that she was serious. In some weird way, she felt like she needed Traci's approval, and her support. Maybe it was because, after Jerry, Traci had become one of her closest friends. Maybe it was because, as a mother, Traci was one of the very few people in Gail's circle of friends who could empathize not only with her, but also with Holly.

"You know, the fact that you're even having this conversation with me is a pretty good indication that you care. And that you like her. A lot. So you shouldn't just let her go like that. You need to take a chance, you know?" She patted her shoulder and nodded insistently and encouragingly, raising her glass and waiting for Gail to do the same.

"Yeah. I guess I do." She clinked their glasses and took a sip. "It's just... What if..." And another one. "What if she's right? What if it is too much for me? What if I get in there and then realize that I can't handle it? What if I really am not good enough? For her, for her kid? I mean, who am I kidding, right?"

Traci sighed as Gail downed the rest of her drink. For as resolved and sure Gail seemed to be, she couldn't completely block out the insecurity, the self-loathing, the feeling of never being quite good enough. She knew Elaine and Bill loved their children, both of them. But sometimes she just wanted to give them a good dressing-down for planting this seed of self-doubt so deep within Gail that she just couldn't get it out of her system.

"Gail. The only one who thinks you're not good enough is you. I'm pretty sure that Holly is just scared, and when people are scared they sometimes do stupid things and need a little push to get back on track. You of all people should understand that. Now, I can't tell you it's not going to be too much for you. I don't know that. But there is no point in worrying about what ifs. You'll cross that bridge once you come to it. Just take it one step at a time, and considering how badly you seem to want it, I'm sure you'll be able to work it out."

"I really hope so. Thank you Traci."

She inhaled deeply and sighed, resting her head on the counter. It seemed like she had a long way ahead of her. And she was in a position she wasn't really familiar with, at all. She had to be the consistent one, she had to be the one chasing Holly. She knew it would be hard, but she also knew there was no other way.

"Anytime, Gail. Anytime." She rubbed her back soothingly while ordering them another round of drinks.


	8. 8 - Silent Signs

_No. No. No! This can't be happening!_ As she fidgeted in the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting area, getting up, pacing up and down restlessly for a few minutes, before sitting back down, and repeating the procedure over and over again, she thought about the last time she found herself here. Ash had been at his grandparents', and when she listened to the voicemail Gail had left her, sounding as small and fragile as she never had before, she literally dropped everything and raced to the hospital. She wished Gail could be with her now, she wished she could just call her and the blonde would drop everything to race to the hospital and be there for her. But even if she would actually pick up, she probably wouldn't come. Why would she? No. Holly knew that that probably wasn't true. Because, first and foremost, Gail Peck was loyal. Holly knew that if she called her, told her how much she needed her, no matter how mad or hurt she was, she would probably move heaven and earth to get here. She also knew, though, that after everything that happened, she was in no position to ask that from Gail.

Ever since their last conversation, she had been going through all their interactions, retracing every word Gail said, every look she gave her, every gesture, recounting everything that _she _said, trying to figure out what Gail must have heard, and what she must have inferred. And in the end, it was this one sentence that was stuck in her head. 'Apparently I've made a few bad choices lately.' You could definitely say that. The first one being not telling Gail about Ash. In retrospect, she could just not understand why she didn't. She knew the reason, of course. She knew that what scared her was how attached she had gotten to Gail. And ultimately, she was simply afraid of losing her. Which, in turn, made her feel like the worst mother ever. Did she really see her son as a burden, a liability? She had always been – and still is – so fiercely and unwaveringly proud of him. Even if everything else in her life would have crumbled to pieces, she knew that this, Ash, would be the one good thing, that one thing that, without a doubt, she had done right.

Tears started to spill from her eyes once more, as she thought about that, about Ash, her little boy, her one good thing, who was now being taken up to surgery. It was a different waiting room now, different chairs, slightly more comfortable maybe, but she supposed the softest armchair would feel like the iron throne, wrapped in barbed wire, in a situation like this. In the meantime, her family had arrived, waiting and worrying with her, providing all the emotional support and encouragement that they could. And she was grateful. Still, she found herself turning her phone in her hands, unlocking and locking the screen, trying to pluck up the courage to just make the call.

The second of her bad choices, again, was not telling Gail about Ash. _Really, _why didn't she? Did she really not trust Gail to stick around? Did she really have so little faith in her? And what did that say about their relationship? After all, Gail had told her she was a cat. Wasn't she right not to trust her? On the other hand, had Gail ever actually given her a reason not to? Had she ever let her down, had she ever really run? She didn't hide up in the tree, or fight to get down from it – Holly wasn't really sure at the moment which way the analogy went exactly – she was always there, she always came back, showing a kind of commitment that she had never expected from the her, especially not after such a short amount of time.

Which brought her to bad choice number three. Why didn't she fight harder to be able to explain herself to Gail? Why did she just let her leave? After Gail overheard that phone conversation, why didn't she just blurt out that 'Ash' was not a girlfriend, or lover, or whatever Gail was thinking, but her _son_? There had been countless opportunities to come clean, and even though the blonde would certainly have been shocked and maybe angry at first, she was sure that with some time and explaining, Gail would have forgiven her, would have tried to understand. Because that was one of the many hidden qualities of Gail Peck that Holly admired the most: empathy. But no, Gail found out not because Holly made the choice to share this piece of her life with her, but by mere coincidence. Why, when she was given the chance to explain herself then, did she just palm her off with factual reasoning, when she could have said so much more? Why did she just let Gail walk away from those conversations clearly thinking that this was all her fault, that this was all because Holly didn't deem her good enough for her son?

And that was bad choice number four. She made Gail doubt herself, made her believe that she wasn't good enough. And in doing so, she got in line with a long list of people who have done the same – starting with her mother, and ending with some of her colleagues at 15, or now Holly – a list of people that she wanted to punch in the face one by one for making Gail, that incredibly marvelous woman, feel that way. She knew that Gail had trusted her, opened up to her, probably more than she had with anyone in a long time. And thus she knew, without any arrogance, that this must have been an especially hard blow to the blonde's self-esteem and her ability to trust. And she hated herself for it. Gail deserved so much better than that.

So she put her phone away. No. She definitely could not call her. After everything that had happened, she definitely could not put Gail in that position.

She kept pacing up and down the hallway, in reflex turning her head towards the elevator when she heard a ping. The blonde didn't see her at first and was rushing out the elevator towards the waiting area, when she spotted Holly and stopped in her tracks, breathing heavily, her worried eyes examining Holly intensely.

"Gail?" It was hard to hear herself over the loud and incessant beating of her heart.

"Holly, hey." Gail sounded just as surprised as Holly felt.

"Hey." She was still standing there, her feet rooted to the floor, unsure what to make of Gail's sudden appearance.

"Hey." Her voice was softer now. "Come here." She approached Holly with a few quick steps and pulled her into a fierce and long, heartfelt hug.

"I'm so sorry. I came as soon as I heard." She let go of the brunette slowly, moving her hands over her shoulders and down her arms, until she grabbed a hold of Holly's hands.

"What happened? How is he doing? How are you doing? Can I do anything? What do you need?" She was searching her face for answers with her piercing, blue eyes, not really sure what she should do or what Holly would want her to do.

"Uhm. I... What are you doing here?" Holly was still in some trance-like state, completely overwhelmed with the fact that Gail was suddenly, unexpectedly standing in front of her. And as Gail reluctantly let go of her hands, she realized her inquiry may have sounded a lot harsher than she had intended.

"Uh, one of your lab techs told me that Ash had an accident and that you were here. Don't be mad at her, I basically threatened her, just short of pulling out my gun." She swallowed, continuing hesitantly. "Do you want me to leave?"

"What... were you doing at the morgue?" _Jesus, Holly! Get your shit together!_

"I... I was bringing you coffee... and donuts. I thought we could... Sorry. I shouldn't have come. I know we're not..." She was gesturing helplessly, shaking her head at her own presumptuousness. When she heard about Ash, she just dropped the coffee and the donuts onto the nearest surface – she vaguely remembers it was one of those metal exam tables – and took off running, not even thinking about whether Holly would want her there, need her there, at all. "I was just... worried. I... I should go." And another success at making Gail feel unwanted. As Gail took a few steps back, her look still more worried and apologetic than hurt, Holly leapt forward and took her hand.

"Gail. No. I'm really glad that you are here." She spoke softly now, seeking out Gail's eyes and nodding affirmatively, urging her to understand that she really, _really _was glad. "Will you sit with me?" She pointed over to the waiting area, and Gail nodded in consent.

"Gail, these are my parents, Thomas and Evelyn. And this is Adrian, my brother." Solemn and tired smiles and hellos were exchanged before Holly sat down and pulled Gail into the seat next to her.

"So... He's still in surgery?" Holly nodded, grabbing Gail's hand tightly.

"Have they given you any update so far?" Gail's questions came hesitantly, she didn't want to push too much, didn't want to bombard Holly with questions when she must be going crazy with worry as it is. The brunette just shook her head, her gaze fixed to the floor.

"Do you want me to go threaten them? Waving around a badge in a police uniform usually helps." She grinned warily, wanting to lighten up the situation a bit, though she was certainly serious about the offer. Holly lifted her head and met Gail's eyes.

"No, it's fine. They're just doing their jobs. Thanks though. I'll let you know if I change my mind." She saw the hint of a smile playing around Holly's mouth.

"So... What happened exactly?" She hardly dared to ask, but she wanted to know. She wanted to know what they were dealing with, what Holly was dealing with, what she was dealing with here. Maybe... Maybe it was 'just' a broken leg, or something?

"He was climbing the ropes in PE class, and he slipped and fell. As far as they could tell before getting him into the OR, he had a broken arm and a traumatic brain injury." She didn't throw any medical mumbo-jumbo at her, although Gail was sure she could have. But this wasn't Dr. Stewart or Holly the nerd. It was Holly, the mother, helpless as her child was cut open somewhere behind those doors.

"Oh God. I'm so sorry. I'm sure he will be ok. He has to be ok. Right?" She entwined their fingers and squeezed Holly's hand.

"Right." She nodded and gave Gail another small smile, trying hard to appear strong and hopeful, but her eyes were full of fear and doubt. They sat in silence for a while, Holly's head resting on Gail's shoulder, until they were startled by the crackle of Gail's radio, emitting Oliver's voice.

"Peck, where the hell are you and where is my squad?"

"Oh crap! I have to get back to work, I completely forgot. I'm so sorry." She jumped out of her chair, not letting go of Holly's hand though.

"Can I get any of you anything before I go? Coffee? Tea? Anything to eat?"

"No. But thank you, dear." Holly's mother answered while the others just shook their heads appreciatively. Holly got out of her chair and walked Gail to the elevators. Gail pressed the button and turned around to face Holly.

"I'm really sorry I have to go. He will be fine. I know he'll be fine."

"Thank you. For coming." Holly nodded and held Gail's gaze until the blonde went in for another hug.

"I'll call you after shift. If there's any news let me know, ok?"

"I will." She walked into the elevator, still holding Holly's gaze. As the doors were about to close, Holly stopped them with her hand.

"Hey, Gail! Please..."

"Don't worry about me. I'll be safe. I promise." Holly smiled at her, thankful that Gail knew what she meant without her actually having to say it. Having Ash in the hospital was bad enough, she didn't want to have to worry about Gail as well.

...

She found her in pretty much the same position as every day. Sitting in that dark blue chair, holding Ash's hand, watching over her son with worry, pain, and so much love it made her heart skip a few beats every single time because she, too, could feel it all. All that torture that Holly must be going through, it was oozing out of her, evident in every little detail, every gesture, every word she spoke, every breath she took.

He had made it through surgery, and apparently his doctors were satisfied and confident about the outcome. _From what we can tell so far, we were able to repair all of the damage._ That's what they said. Still, they had put him in a medically induced coma, since the procedure was a very difficult and extensive one, and his brain needed time cope and recover.

Gail had come by every single day, before her shift, or after, or sometimes during her lunch break if she couldn't make it at any other time. She had thought about taking a few days off, to be able to be there more, but it was a fine line to tread between being there for Holly and imposing on her. So, seeing as her family was with her most of the time anyway, and considering the scolding looks they all got from the ICU personnel for crowding his room which was against their policy, she decided against it. She would be there as much as she could, show Holly that she could count on her with whatever she needed, whenever she needed it, but also give her as much space for processing as she wanted.

She had also gotten the chance to get to know Holly's family during her visits. She had met her older sister, Rachel, who had immediately given her a short and friendly but stern _don't-you-dare-hurt-them_ talk. Her father, it seemed, had taken an instant liking to Gail, regarding her with a sort of warmth and kindness that reminded her very much of Holly. He didn't say much – well, nobody really talked much, by virtue of the situation they all found themselves in – but just from the looks and small gestures they exchanged, Gail knew that they didn't really need all those words to understand each other.

Holly's brother was equally warm and welcoming. He had that spark in his eyes that told her he knew things about Gail, about her and Holly. And while that would usually have made Gail rather uncomfortable and self-conscious, maybe even a little furious at how someone could share intimate details about her with some – to her – stranger, in this particular case it was more reassuring and heart-warming than anything else. And their brief conversation by the coffee station right on the first day did the rest. She could remember every single word of it, could remember the exact tone of his voice as he spoke. The way he cleared his throat before starting. _I know this seems inappropriate, considering the reason why we're all here. But I've never been happier to meet one of Holly's girlfriends. I mean, not that you're just one among many... I haven't actually met a lot... You know... _He started rambling. Adjusting and readjusting his glasses. It was like the spitting image of Holly. The look she gave him must have spoken volumes, so after a while he shook his head and composed himself. _What I'm trying to say is this. I hope you know how important it is that you're here. It means the world to Holly. It really does. Maybe not in this very moment, but once this is all over, it will_. And when he followed up with a nervous sarcastic quip because the emotion and the tension seemed to be getting a little too much for Gail, the ice was broken once and for all.

Her mother was a different kind of story. She was friendly, always greeted her with an appreciative nod, a smile. But there was a certain reserve, a cautiousness about the way she interacted with Gail. She didn't approach Gail with the open arms her husband and son did, or with Rachel's bluntness. She couldn't blame her for it though. She was a mother after all, Gail figured, naturally worried about her child. She probably had to be won over with persistence, but Gail wasn't going anywhere anyway.

"Hey." She rested her hand on Holly's shoulder and spoke softly so as to not startle her. She looked up at the blonde and gave her a small and tired smile.

"Hey." Her free hand came up to her shoulder, patting Gail's briefly.

"You're alone?"

"Yeah, my dad just left."

"You want me to get you some dinner?"

She shook her head. "I've eaten already."

"Meaning you've _actually _eaten or you've had, like, half an apple all day?" It was one of the ways in which Gail figured she could take care of Holly, making sure she ate something. Not that her family wasn't trying to get some food into her, but Gail was usually the one who was most convincing.

She turned towards Gail again, looking at her guiltily, and pointed at a take-out-box sitting on the night stand. Gail opened it with her eyebrows raised in doubt and threw Holly a scolding look. It looked like Holly had eaten maybe two bites of her shrimp fried rice. She handed her the box and the plastic spoon lying next to it, silently ordering her to eat. She pulled up a chair next to her and sat down, observing Holly out of the corner of her eye while looking over Ash. Holly passed the box back to her after eating a few more spoons full. Gail decided to just let it go and be happy she had eaten some at all.

"You want to get some fresh air?" That was task number two. Getting Holly out of this room at least once a day for more than just a bathroom break. So she continued the tradition that Holly had started and made her take a walk through the adjacent park every day. They didn't talk much. Holly usually gave her a brief update on Ash's status. Gail asked if there was anything Holly needed. They certainly didn't discuss the topic of _them_, and while Gail was feeling an uncharacteristic need to define _them_, to discuss where they were standing or where Holly could see them going, she knew that this, right now, was no time for questions like that. So she let the silence fall between them, using little touches and gestures to let Holly feel she was there, and hoping that the silence and the fresh air – and maybe her presence – would help lift the dark clouds of worry that swirled around her head at least a little bit.

"Mh. No." They had already taken a walk this morning, when Gail had stopped by with coffee on her way to work. So she let that go too. Although Holly certainly seemed like she would need it.

It was day three of Holly's non-stop surveillance, and – while still undoubtedly beautiful – Holly looked like shit. The circles under her eyes had become darker still, her face looking all pale despite her healthy tan, her hair was a mess, and her back and neck were clearly sore, judging by the way she kept stretching and massaging herself. She was a mess, and understandably so.

After sitting by her side for a while, Gail reached out to her, placing her hand on her thigh.

"Holly. Hey." She whispered softly, making Holly tear her eyes away from Ash and look at Gail.

"Look, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you look like shit." She ventured a grin, thinking that humor might be the best way to get through to Holly. The brunette was unimpressed though, turning her head back to Ash.

"What I meant was, I think you should go home, get a good night's sleep. You're obviously exhausted and you can't keep sleeping in this chair."

"Of course I can." Her voice was flat and distant.

"You're sore, Holly, I can see that. Come on, just for a few hours. You'll be back first thing in the morning, fresh. You need to think about yourself as well. Get some rest, recharge your batteries. He needs you strong when he wakes up." She tried to reason with her, though to no avail, it seemed.

"I can't leave him alone." She sounded perplexed that Gail would even suggest such a thing, and slightly angry as well.

"Holly, he is in a medically induced coma. From what I understand, he's not going to wake up until they take him out of it. And if you don't feel comfortable leaving him alone, maybe you could ask your brother or..."

"No." There was a finality to that statement and the way in which she delivered it, and Gail probably should have left it at that.

"Look, I understand that..." Holly interrupted her mid-sentence, whipping her head around, staring Gail down, and shouted under her breath.

"No, Gail, you don't understand! You don't have a kid!" With that she turned her attention back to Ash. Gail nodded, slowly getting out of her chair after giving Holly's thigh a soft squeeze.

"Ok." She whispered, as she got out of the room.

Holly slumped down in the chair, the back of her head boring into the backrest. She closed her eyes and let a few silent tears run down her cheek. She didn't want to growl at Gail like that. She knew that she was just worried, trying to look out for her. And she knew that she was right. She knew she needed a night in a proper bed. She was exhausted, and literally everything hurt. But even though she knew it wouldn't make a difference, because, as Gail said, he wouldn't just wake up unexpectedly, she just couldn't leave his side. Not for a whole night.

It was about half an hour later when she was ripped from a short nap by two nurses, rolling an empty bed into the room.

"What is that? I thought this was a private room?"

"It is." One of the nurses, Carol, answered with raised eyebrows. "This is for you."

Holly was slightly puzzled. "I thought spare visitor beds weren't allowed in the ICU?" She had even tried to call in a favor from a friend who worked at the hospital – not in the ICU though – but the staff had stayed adamant about the rules and regulations.

"They aren't." The other nurse snapped, somewhat annoyed. Holly hadn't seen her around before.

"Ok?" Holly didn't understand what was going on.

Carol indicated to the other nurse that she could leave before explaining.

"Apparently a certain officer Peck doesn't care about that. And she is very persistent when it comes to your well-being." She said with a wink.

"It's no king size, but it is still better than this chair you've been 'sleeping'" – she actually put that into airquotes – "in. Get some rest." She patted Holly on the shoulder sympathetically and left.

* * *

**_I am obviously no doctor or have any kind of medical knowledge (apart from what Grey's Anatomy has taught me ;)), but just humor me and let's say that - for argument's sake - this (and what will follow) is actually realistic..._**


	9. 9 - Half Light

_**First of all, apologies are in order, I guess.. I'm very very sorry for the late update! But, the good news is, the next two chapters are almost finished as well, so the next update should come a little sooner this time ;)**_

_**Second of all, thank you so much for all the follows and favorites, they really make my day every single time! Also, I'm a sucker for reviews, so feel free to leave one! :)**_

* * *

Gail came by in the afternoon the next day, carrying a huge bag with her. She saw the unmade bed as she entered and smiled.

"Hey."

"Hi." Holly turned around to face her and smiled. She looked much better today, rested. She even seemed to have showered.

"So, did you sleep well?" Gail asked, pointing at the spare bed.

"Oh God, yes." She groaned with relief.

"That's good." Gail smiled and nodded.

"Thank you. I'm really sorry about..." Holly started to apologize. She had wanted to send Gail a text last night, thanking her and apologizing for the way she snapped at her, but as soon as her head hit the pillow, all the exhaustion was crushing in on her and she just crashed out.

"Shut up. You don't need to apologize. You were right, I don't have a kid, so I probably can't even begin to understand what you must be going through. But... just know that I'm worried too, ok? And I was just trying to look out for you."

"I know. And I really appreciate it. Everything." She looked at Gail with sincere gratitude.

"Ok, well, today, you get to appreciate this delicious coffee. And homemade cookies. I really hope they aren't awful." She handed her the cup and placed a box of cookies in Holly's lap.

"Gail, did you make these?" Holly asked in disbelief. Eating was Gail's thing, she knew that. But cooking and baking? Not so much.

"Yeah, I thought it would be nice. Don't give me that indignant look, nerd! I have quite a few tricks up my sleeve." She winked at Holly, continuing to unpack her bag.

"I also brought you another pillow. I know that the ones you get at the hospital suck. And, ta-ta, I brought you an iPad! It's logged on to my Netflix account, so you can watch whatever is on there. And there are a few e-books as well, you know, for the bookworm in you, and some games if you want to waste some time. If you manage to beat my Fruit Ninja high score, I'll take you out to dinner. Don't get your hopes up though, cause I seriously rock that game!" She handed Holly the iPad and pulled up a chair right next to her. Holly unlocked the iPad and flipped through the apps.

"Uhm, Gail? Why do you have a Fantasy Hockey app on your iPad? Is there something you want to tell me?" She looked at the blonde in expectant amusement.

"Oh well, this isn't really my iPad. I'm not nearly technology-crazy enough to own one of these. It's Steve's. But the Fruit Ninja high score _is _mine!" She felt a need to emphasize that. Actually, she was kind of embarrassed about how much time she had spent with that stupid game, in an ultimately successful attempt to beat Steve's high score.

They sat there for a while, sipping their coffees in silence, until Holly reached out and took hold of Gail's hand, entwining their fingers. She looked at the blonde intensely, trying to convey all of her emotions, all that remained unsaid.

"Thank you, Gail. Really. Thank you." Gail squeezed her hand and nudged her shoulder.

"Of course." They stayed like this for a short while, just staring into each other's eyes, silently communicating.

"So, how is he doing? Any news?" Gail finally broke the intensity of the moment.

"Yes, actually. They said they want to take him out of the coma tomorrow."

"Wow, that's great news!" Gail beamed at Holly, but Holly didn't return the gesture.

"That _is _great news, isn't it? What's wrong, Holly?" Gail became increasingly worried at Holly's expression.

"No. Yes, it is great news." She shook her head. "It's just that, that's when the waiting really begins, you know? He may not wake up immediately after they take him out. It might be hours, or days, until his body is ready to wake up. And then... then they'll see if everything really is ok. I'm just scared. What if..."

"Hey." Gail brought Holly's hand up to her lips and placed a soft kiss on its back. "No what ifs. I'd love to be able to promise you he'll be ok, but I don't know that. _But,_ they said that everything looked good, didn't they? So let's not worry unless we have to. I know you're scared. But I'm here for you. Ok?"

"Ok." Holly nodded and took a deep breath, her eyes filled with tears.

They went for a walk when Holly's sister came by to keep Ash company. There was no big sister talk this time, just a friendly and appreciative, albeit somewhat surprised smile, praise for her cookies, and a few exchanges about Ash's – and when she went to the bathroom also Holly's – condition. They moved over to the spare bed after Rachel left. Gail watched on with amusement as Holly played one round of Fruit Ninja after the other, quickly getting immersed in the game and showing her competitive side. She even laughed and squealed in panic. It was a delight to watch how, at least for a few minutes, Holly forgot about the worry and the pain and the fear, and just let herself go.

"Ok well, I better stop. Otherwise your high score will be mine by the end of the day. Wouldn't want to put you to shame like that, officer." Holly said with a wink.

"You wish, nerd! You wish!" She acted all superior, but Holly did kind of have a point – she was getting far too good at this far too quickly for Gail's liking.

After a few minutes of silence, Gail spoke again.

"Listen, I have the whole day off, so I could hang around for a little longer? Unless you want me to go, which..."

"No. I don't want you to go." Holly looked at her pleadingly.

Gail ran out to get some dinner for the two of them and they quickly found themselves back on the spare bed, shoveling pad thai into their mouths, while watching one of the new shows in her queue. Suddenly, halfway through the second episode, Holly paused and turned towards Gail with a serious look on her face.

"Gail."

"Holly?" She raised her eyebrows in question.

"Why did you come here?"

"Uhm, I've been here every day, remember? And you didn't complain so far, so I thought it was ok?" Gail knitted her eyebrows together. Was Holly having some sort of epiphany or what was this all about?

"No, I mean, the first day."

"I told you, your lab tech told me what happened." Gail was getting more and more confused and Holly let out a slightly frustrated sigh.

"Ok, then, why did you go to my lab that day, with coffee and donuts?"

"I... I wanted to see you."

"Yeah, but why?" Holly seemed to suddenly find that the craziest idea anyone has had in a long time.

"Well..." Gail just shook her head. She didn't really know what to say. Wasn't it obvious why she wanted to see her? Granted, amidst everything that has been happening, they hadn't talked about _them_, and where they would go from here, but she thought it was kind of obvious. Apparently Holly didn't think so.

"That day, when I was sitting downstairs in the ER, and then in the waiting area on the surgical floor, there were only two things I could think about. One of them was Ash. And the other one was you. You know, I wanted to call you. I wanted to call you and tell you that I need you and ask you whether you would come. And then I realized that I couldn't, because after everything that happened I thought there was no way in hell that I could be so presumptuous. But you still came. Without me even asking. And you keep coming back. And I just don't understand why." Holly's eyes were filling up with tears again and she lowered her gaze shyly. She knew she had screwed up with Gail. And ever since Ash has been in the hospital, she wasn't exactly paying a lot of attention to the people around her. If anything, she snapped at them and she certainly didn't show a great deal of gratitude to them. She also knew that, considering the situation she was in, her behavior was certainly understandable and justifiable. Still, she felt bad. She knew that Gail was not usually one to advance trust and confidence, she knew how her insecurities oftentimes got the better of her. So she was grateful – and admittedly also a little amazed – that Gail has remained this steadfast.

Gail cupped Holly's face with her hands and tilted her head back up softly. She took a moment to lock eyes with Holly, letting her thumb graze the skin of her cheeks softly, before leaning in. "Because." She whispered, before her lips approached Holly's slowly. As they brushed up against each other for the first time, it felt like a lightning bolt running through the both of them. The kiss was painstakingly slow and tender, and long, and told Holly everything she needed to know for now.

...

The next morning found Gail alone in Ash's room. She had dropped by on her way to work and was left here to watch him while Holly was taken to the nurses' station to deal with some paperwork. They had taken him out of the coma only a couple of hours earlier, so Gail was standing next to his bed, restlessly tracing every single one of his features for just the slightest indication of movement, feeling a slight panic grow inside of her.

There was a twitch on his left eye! Or was there? She looked on closely, waiting for the movement to repeat itself. Another twitch! Her hand was approaching the call button slowly. Then, three more twitches, and all of a sudden, his eyes were open. Time seemed to stop in that moment. He had opened his eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes that were all Holly, but there was no other movement, and Gail didn't dare to move either, she just stared at him gratefully and happily, albeit in shock, while she felt fear gradually bubbling up from within and quickly washing over her. And the moment was over.

Ash began to panic, struggling for air, floundering in his bed, all the muscles in his body clenching. His eyes were darting around restlessly, the panic in them growing with every second. Gail quickly hit the call button while shouting for help and then grabbed a hold of Ash's hand, her other hand resting on his shoulder in an attempt to soothe him and keep him still. She bent down and locked eyes with him, trying to calm him down, speaking to him in a hushed tone.

"Ash... Everything is ok. Don't panic. Shh. Everything is fine... I'm Gail. Remember me?... I'm so sorry. The tube in your throat was helping you breathe... Don't worry. The doctor will be here any second now and they will get it out. Ok?... Please don't panic. Shh. Everything will be fine... I promise. Everything will be ok. I'm so sorry."

Holly came rushing in, finding her place on the other side of Ash's bed, drawing his eyes on her and mirroring Gail's actions, while Gail was pushed out of the way by hospital staff. The room was quickly getting crowded and she backed out slowly while the remaining people were working on keeping the boy calm and getting the tube out of him.

It was about an hour later when everything was quiet again. Ash had fallen asleep, his body still tired from surgery and the stress of waking up. As Holly leaned back in her chair and took a deep breath of relief, she remembered Gail. Gail was here. She was here when Ash woke up, and then suddenly, she was gone. Or rather, Holly didn't notice when she left, seeing as she was preoccupied with Ash. Images of Gail were flashing through her head. How she was bent over Ash, holding him, trying to calm him down, looking almost as panicked and worried as she herself felt.

She glanced at Ash again before she quietly left the room to make a call. Shortly after she dialed Gail's number, she heard her ringtone – it was _The Waltons' _theme song, something that Gail had been pulling Holly's chain with ever since she admitted how much she loved the show as a child, recording the reruns on VHS tape, during a rather drunken game of 20 questions – playing somewhere down the hall and started off in the direction of the ringing phone, when she saw Gail rounding the corner, hurrying towards her. She came to a stop a few feet away from Holly.

"Hey." She looked at her questioningly.

"Hey. I just called you." Holly was tired and her brain seemingly merely running on backup power. It had all been a little too much for her lately. Ash, Gail, the emotional roller coaster of the past weeks.

"I know." Gail chuckled, holding up her phone.

"I thought you had to go to work?"

"I do. But I got Andy to cover for me for a bit. I just wanted to make sure you're ok first. Are you ok? Is Ash ok?"

The brunette's eyebrows suddenly knitted together, her chin was quivering, and her eyes were filling with tears. Gail approached her, taking Holly's face in her hands and drawing soothing patterns on her cheeks with her thumbs.

"Hey. Talk to me." She spoke softly. "Is everything ok?"

Holly nodded, pressing out a teary "yes" before she latched on to Gail, sobbing heavily into her neck.


	10. 10 - Gimme Shelter

_**So, I promised you a quicker update this time - and here it is! I hope you enjoy this one.**_

_**Thank you so much for reading and for your feedback! (And again: Reviews - good and bad - are always greatly appreciated!) :)**_

* * *

She turned the key in the lock, feeling the exhaustion in every single one of her bones. She would have loved to see Holly tonight, but at the same time she couldn't remember the last time she was _this _happy to just be home. Of course, that feeling quickly vanished when she entered the apartment and was faced with Chloe, hovering in the hallway as if she had been waiting for her.

"Hey Gail." She greeted her in a whisper, her thumb pointing towards the living room.

"Chloe, hey." Gail sighed before her gaze traveled towards the direction Chloe's thumb was pointing to. There she was, a tiny lump curled up on their sofa in a position that seemed almost as uncomfortable as sleeping in the hospital chairs, a blanket pulled up to her chin, her chest rising and falling with her deep, regular breaths, her glasses resting on the table. She turned back to Chloe, giving her a worried and questioning look.

"Dov and I found her sitting in front of the house, she said she was waiting for you. We told her she should wait in here. She fell asleep after, like, three minutes." She giggled in that little girl way that Gail was sure Dov found, like, _super _adorable. Of course she did. This was Chloe.

"Yeah, she must have been exhausted." She looked back towards Holly with worry and sympathy.

"So, her son woke up?" Gail just nodded, her eyes not leaving Holly. Andy must have told her. Or maybe Holly did. After all, she wasn't all socially awkward like Gail, especially with new people.

"That's great news. I'm really happy." She smiled widely, sincerely, as if she was honestly relieved. As if Holly was a close friend. Of course she did.

"Yeah. Me too." She nodded again, turning back to Chloe, giving her a tight-lipped smile. It was _her_ job to be happy. It was _her_ job to be relieved.

"Well. I'll... be gone then. I think you both need some rest." She stroked her arm for a brief moment and eyed Gail with concern before turning to take off towards Dov's room. That's when Gail realized. She cared about Holly because she knew that Gail did, and she cared about Gail because – well, God knows why. Maybe it was because her boyfriend cared about Gail. Maybe it was because they were both cops, and their code of honor dictated that, whether you like your fellow officer or not, when push comes to shove, you're family. Maybe it was because, like Gail, Chloe was loyal. Mostly though, Gail thought, it was because Chloe was a person who just genuinely cared. She remembered the day that Christian was taken, remembered how she envied Chloe for just being who she was so openly and unapologetically. She remembered how she realized that day, that underneath their exterior, her and Chloe were in fact very much alike – even though they were radically different on the surface. And with everything that had been going on lately, she decided that maybe it was time to turn over a new leaf with Chloe. She had done it with Holly. She had even done it with Andy. And she had realized that it wasn't all that hard.

"Chloe? Thank you." It was a small gesture, but it was a start. Gail just hoped that Chloe would see that.

"No problem, Gail." Chloe threw her head back and grinned at her before disappearing into the bedroom.

She shrugged off her coat and entered the living room. She sat down on the coffee table in front of Holly, taking in the sight of her for a few minutes, debating whether she should wake the brunette from her long overdue peaceful slumber. As she softly brushed back the strands of hair that had fallen into Holly's face and let her hand travel over her shoulder down her side, Holly's eyes slowly blinked open.

"Hey..." She whispered, welcoming Holly with a wide, loving smile. Suddenly the brunette startled up into a sitting position, being fully awake now and becoming aware of her surroundings. She pulled up the blanket around her and moved her hands through her hair nervously before trying to adjust the glasses that weren't there.

"Gail! Hey. Hi. Shit. Sorry, I must have fallen asleep." Gail held out her glasses and grinned, trying to hide her amusement at a charmingly scatterbrained Holly.

"Don't worry, it's ok. I'm sorry to wake you, it's just that, the longer you sleep on this sofa, the more your neck's going to kill you. Believe me, I speak from experience..." She remained seated on the coffee table, handing Holly a bottle of water and waiting for her to compose herself. After taking a few sips and rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she seemed to finally relax a little.

"Look, I'm sorry for coming by unannounced, I know I should have called. But when my mom sent me home, I thought I was actually going home. Until I suddenly ended up in front of your house. I just... I wanted to see you." She searched for Gail's eyes with her own, trying to read the blonde's reaction.

"Well, I'm happy that you're here. So no apologies. I told you, whatever you need, I'm here." She tentatively took Holly's hand in hers, which was answered by a light squeeze and a quiet 'thank you'.

"Anytime. I just dropped by the hospital. Ash was sleeping soundly. Everything's fine. Your mom is keeping watch." She had noticed how Holly's eyes were darting around the room, trying to locate her phone, probably in order to see whether there has been any update on Ash while she was sleeping.

...

She knew it was late already, but she hadn't been to the hospital since the morning of the day before, the day that Ash woke up. She basically had to pull a double shift, only getting four hours in the middle of the night to go home and rest, and spent the rest of her time on surveillance. She was bone tired, but she had to see Holly before allowing herself to succumb to some much needed and well-deserved sleep.

After Ash had woken up, Gail was initially unsure of what to do. She didn't know where they were standing, where Holly thought they were standing, how Holly wanted to proceed. She didn't know what would change now that he's awake. Was it still ok to come by? Or did Holly want to savor every moment with him, by herself, now that she finally had him back? Maybe she didn't even want the two of them to _officially _meet yet. But since she didn't want to burden Holly with those questions, she decided to just keep showing up and try to read Holly's reaction.

When she approached Ash's room, she saw his grandmother sitting in Holly's chair, reading, and let her gaze travel towards the spare bed, noticing that Holly wasn't there either. Her instinct told her to just turn around and leave, but then she thought, _persistence_. She opened the sliding glass door wide enough to pop her head in and whispered, in an effort to not wake a sleeping Ash.

"Evelyn, hi." The older woman turned her head towards the door and smiled widely when she realized who was standing in front of her, displaying an openness that took Gail by surprise a little.

"Well hello, Gail!" She whispered back, lifting her hand gesturing Gail to wait a second, while she looked for a piece of paper to use as a bookmark. She placed the book on the chair and approached Gail, ushering her out of the room and then closing the door behind them, taking a last content look at her grandson before turning back towards Gail.

"Hello, dear." She greeted her again, this time in a normal tone of voice.

"Hi." Gail smiled and pointed back towards the room. "How is he doing? Is everything going well? I haven't had a chance to talk to Holly today."

"Oh yes, it's going really well. The doctors are very happy with the progress he is making, and with what they can tell so far, they are very certain that there will be no permanent damage."

Gail sighed in relief. "Thank God. That's good news." Evelyn nodded and apparently picked up on how Gail was looking around in search for Holly.

"I sent her home. Well, actually, Ash and I managed to convince her together that she needed a night in a proper bed, outside of this hospital. And she was finally exhausted enough to just give in."

"Finally somebody was able to talk some sense into her!" She giggled, then becoming serious again. "It's good she went home. She really needs some proper rest. I don't know how much longer she could have kept going like this."

She suddenly felt Evelyn's hand on her shoulder, and in a reflex her gaze dropped to the floor, trying to mask the slight awkwardness she felt at the woman's display of affection. "I know, dear."

She forced herself to look back up. "Are you staying here tonight?"

"Despite many protests, I am." She chuckled and nodded. "Ash kept insisting that he didn't need a babysitter, but Holly wouldn't leave unless I promised her to stay the night."

"Ha, sounds totally like her." Gail smiled and shook her head with fond amusement. She continued softly. "It's really great how you support her. She's very lucky to have a family like that."

Evelyn just nodded appreciatively, letting a silence fall between them that Gail was getting increasingly uncomfortable with. She cleared her throat.

"Well. I should get going, I could really use some rest myself. Is there anything I can get you before I'm off?"

"No, thank you, dear."

"Ok, well." She waved awkwardly. "Have a good night then."

She was about to turn and leave, when a hand grabbed her by the elbow and spun her back around.

"Gail?" Their eyes met for a moment before the blonde was pulled into a fierce hug.

"She is also very lucky to have you in her life. So thank you, Gail. I really hope you'll stick around." She let go of her and gave her an open and warm smile, Gail mirroring the gesture.

"I plan to." She nodded.

...

"That's good. He really needs to rest." Holly nodded and stopped the search for her phone.

"Yeah, and so do you. How are you feeling? Are you hungry? I can make some dinner."

"No. Well, I don't know, I could probably eat, but I'm just too tired. I'm really just... tired." She slumped back into the sofa, tilted her head back and closed her tired eyes.

"Ok. Let's get you to bed then." Gail stood up and grabbed both of Holly's hands, trying to pull her up, when she realized that maybe she was too quick to assume that Holly would spend the night here.

"Or did you want me to take you home? I can take you home..." She added hesitantly.

"No, I do... I want to stay here. If that's ok?" The shy and insecure look on Holly's face made Gail's heart melt.

"Of course that's ok. Come on." She pulled Holly off the sofa and led her to her bedroom, where Holly just stopped in the middle of the room, looking a little lost, unsure of how to behave. She had been here several times, spent the night most of them. She knew that the sleeping clothes were in the top drawer. She knew which one of the bathroom shelves contained Gail's towels. She knew Gail liked to sleep on the left side of the bed and that she always wanted Holly to get ready for bed first. It was one of Gail's cute ways of trying to be polite and a good host.

But it had been some time since she was last here, and a lot of things had changed. Or maybe they weren't so different after all. But whatever was happening between them, it was still unspoken, and Holly wasn't really sure which liberties she could take, and which she couldn't.

Fortunately, Gail seemed to have picked up on Holly's unease. She pulled out a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt and handed them to Holly and smiled gently.

"Go get ready. You know where my towels are. Your toothbrush is... where it always is." All of a sudden, Gail was the one who sounded small and insecure, because they both knew what she was actually saying here. Something that Holly should have realized all along. That despite everything that had happened these past weeks, Gail had at no point seriously considered giving up on Holly, on them. That's why the toothbrush was still there, waiting for Holly in the same place as always. Holly tilted her head to the side and gave Gail a knowing and thankful smile before whispering an 'ok' and heading off to the bathroom.

Holly was already curled up under the duvet and on the verge of falling asleep when she felt the bed dip next to her and the warmth of Gail's body gradually approaching. She could literally feel tons of weight falling off from her as Gail's hand slowly rounded her waist until it came to rest on her stomach. She then moved in closely, pulling Holly towards her at the same time, molding their bodies together.

The more the tension subsided, the more room there was for Holly's feelings to really unravel. And quickly, the relief, the gratitude, the longing, it was all just a little too much for Holly. Suddenly, without any prior warning, she just burst into tears, sobbing quietly into her pillow. Gail held her impossibly closer, whispering comforting words into her ear, and pressing tender kisses on the back of Holly's neck and along her hairline. Holly grabbed Gail's hand and clung to it for dear life. It took over half an hour for her brain to process the onslaught of emotions and to catch up with the reality of things, and her sobs eventually died down. Gail thought she might have fallen asleep, when Holly brought the blonde's hand up to her mouth, rubbing her nose into her palm like a cat before kissing it softly.

"Sorry." She whispered into Gail's palm.

"Don't be." Gail replied, pulling the brunette even further into her yet again.

"I thought you didn't do holding?" She wanted to tell Gail how good it felt to finally have her close again, how much she had missed the blonde, how she had hoped that one day she would fall asleep again next to her, feeling the warmth of her body. She wanted to tell her why she cried, that it was mostly all the happiness crushing in on her that needed an outlet. Instead, that was what came out.

"I didn't." It was the simplest of replies, but they both knew its meaning extended far beyond the actual words.

Holly entwined her fingers with Gail's, pulling her impossibly closer, and in a matter of seconds she dropped off. After placing another lingering kiss in the back of Holly's neck, Gail did the same.


End file.
